I want to know where you'll be over the weekend - what city, what address, where ARE you exactly? I want to burn a CD, a pawful of songs that keep ripping through my thoughts every time I stare at the words I've damn near memorized at this point. And I want, I need, some time. Long enough to play through a CD, music turned low, talking over it quietly. Long enough to look at you, 'cos the way this keeps going it might be the last look I'll get for months, if not years. Long enough to actually SAY the things I've been typing, just a few words that encompass it all... no response expected, no answer needed. I just want you to hear it that once, to know that no matter what else you might believe or who else you might be with or how your life goes that you'll at least have that one certainty. I want you to hear me, hear that I mean it.

I've got this soundtrack that plays in my head now every time I think about you. It's not a complex one, really. It doesn't change much - the order might shift around but the songs themselves stay the same.

Melissa Ethridge - "I Wanna Come Over"
Melissa Ethridge - "I'm The Only One"
Avril Lavigne - "Complicated"
All Saints - "Never Ever"
Placebo - "Pure Morning"
Placebo - "I'll Be Yours"
Sneaker Pimps - "Bloodsport"
Dave Matthews Band - "When The World Ends"
Live - "Lightning Crashes"
Bon Jovi - "Bed Of Roses"
Donna Lewis - "Silent World"
Amy Grant - "Big Yellow Taxi"

...I used to sit downstairs, the computer set up by the piano and headphones plugged into it instead of speakers, Boots' Bon Jovi CD in. "Bed Of Roses", "Always", "Blaze Of Glory"... over and over, writing. Thinking. Wishing. I kept hoping that one night there'd be a knock on the window or a pinecone tossed up, that I'd see you outside... that you cared.

You say I've hurt you. That you don't want to be hurt again. You're afraid I'll wound you, afraid I'll leave you, afraid...

*curls up for a moment, shaking her head*

...I know you weren't there to see it. I know you couldn't read my mind.

I'm not leaving it locked up in my mind, I'm putting MY fears and MY worries and MY days and nights spent miserable out here, I'm setting out all the things I've never said to you...

...and yet again, now that I've poured even this much out, I'm stopping. I've got things I need to take care of tonight. This DOES matter to me, perhaps foolishly and perhaps rationally, even after the effort I've put into other things...

...but yeah.

Stuff to do.

Things.

Yeah.

I'll write more later tonight, not about this most likely. For those who have been wanting news of Kadin, you might want to stay tuned tonight. *slight smile* It's 10:34 right now and I had damned well better be hearing from him in less than a half-hour.

*shrugs*

No, I'm not sure why I keep this up.

It's comforting, I guess. Old, familiar chains.