A quote: I am attempting to explain my behavior, for the most part, to find out what caused it, not to defend it... I want to fix this.

I believed that you and he were both prepared to accept me in spite of the mistakes I make. Not that you wouldn't try to teach me how not to make mistakes - but that you would forgive me if I made them.

Please forgive me, Jax.

Please forgive me, Ryan.

I'm sorry

Lass, that is one belief that isn't strayed in the slightest. I know I forgive you, gladly and even easily, now that I know you're aware that there IS a problem and now that I've actually sat down and explained/ranted/whatevered about the things that didn't seem to get your attention when mentioned in conversation. I forgive you for hurting him because you didn't mean to do it, because I trust you will try harder not to, and because you asked. I forgive you for those mood swings which went beyond a mood swing into hours or even days of frustration and hurt for Ryan and I both because I take you at your word that you didn't understand and didn't want to be that way, because I believe you can and you will do better, and because you asked. I forgive you for your mistakes because you are YOU, because you are someone worth forgiving, because it seems now that there will be fewer of them... and because you asked.

Asking is a Big Thing, you see. Whatever it is you want or need, whether it's food or snuggles or rubbing or attention or forgiveness, if you ASK for it you'll always do much better than if you simply say 'I want' or 'what if' or anything that isn't a direct question. Please don't hint around things... not just because it's confusing for Ryan and I but because you'll get GOOD results when you ask and frankly, we would both be infinitely happier with good results and you smiling.

The handfasting... I am not asking you to become handfasted to Caleb or kadin, or even to me if that's not something you would feel comfortable with. Ryan definitely isn't asking for that. What I had been suggesting is that if Ryan is comfortable with it by then and if you are as well, that we could hold sort of a figure-8 handfasting. *wry grin* Ask for an explanation later.

You can't tell me in one breath that you're angry at me for leaving when people start talking about sex AND that you wish I would just leave the room if the conversation in it bothers me. I DO just leave the room if I don't want to take part.

It's not the leaving itself that upsets me (or anyone else). It's your attitude, your actions. Remember where I said they say things that you might not think they're saying? It's the huff, the clenched fists and the gritted teeth and the stomping, the way you glare at Ryan as you're leaving. When you leave a conversation next, watch your hands. Nothing else, just start there. Watch your hands, and if you see them tightening up, concentrate on relaxing them. Starting there will help you be more aware of what you're doing, and concentrating on it will more than likely keep the rest of your body from wandering off and making Republican speeches.

*hugs* Your behavior has been something that has left Ryan particularly unhappy. That doesn't mean that YOU will make him unhappy. I... I don't know when you will read this, but since I'm online now, I'll post it now (and others should read it anyway):

The kitchen phone is no longer functional, there's no sound on this end. The ONLY working phone is the cordless, which has static and pops a lot, making conversations a tad difficult. I will not be having long phone calls, whether I feel up to it or not, because at this point the damned phone gives me a headache after about ten minutes. Becca, if you would like to come over on Wednesday and talk here, that would be great. I'm not going to call you - or anyone else - unless it's something rather emergency or urgent such as Ryan in the hospital or me growing a second nose.

*wry grin* If you DO come over, keep in mind that the last few days I've not gotten to sleep until at least 11:00 am and won't be getting up until 4-5 in the afternoon. Ditto pretty much everyone else. I need what little sleep I can get.

Geh, but it's hot... where did all the nice winter coldness go? The entire house is muggy.

Oh, and Kadin... there will be a response to your latest task's effort posted soon. If you can get online tonight I would be quite pleased if you stayed ON Trillian/messenger/whatever until you go to bed.