I don't think I could really cope with being stuck in a hospital for several days right now. I am quite well aware that if the procedure today goes wrong, I WILL end up in the ER and it's extremely likely I will be kept for at least 24 hours, if not longer. I'm not sure why this thought brings outright terror rather than just annoyance and mild discomfort, but it does. I've been trying to sleep and failing, I keep shivering and crying, it's not working well. Too nervous.

Worst part? We don't even know if I'll HAVE the procedure today, yet. I made the appointment on Saturday, which meant that the clinic couldn't call the insurance company to find out if I am indeed covered there, and if so, how much of a copay I'll have. If I have no insurance, the procedure's roughly $400, pay-in-advance-thank-you, and the copay could be anything from $5 to $50...

...and we've not a cent to our names right now. What's worse is I won't be able to find out for sure what the coverage will be until after 8:30 am, the appointment's at 9:45 am, downtown, and I'm way the fuck out in gresham... so we'll be driving through morning rush traffic trying to get there, which means we'll have to LEAVE at roughly 8:30, which means... yeah. Potentially we'll get there, find out there's no way we can even pretend to pay, and have to turn around and go home. I'm not sure I can deal with that, either.

I'm stressing now, I know I'll only be stressing more, the closer it gets to Time To Go, I don't have any lorazepam and couldn't take it even if I did 'cos they need you undrugged for the tests beforehand and particularly if it's general anesthesia, they want you sober for the procedure as well.

I just keep telling myself it'll be over soon. If I can just get through today, get through the procedure, it'll be ok, I'll be fine, I'll heal up and recover and won't need to flip out and won't need to go to a hospital and it'll all be good.

...so far, every time I tell myself this, it's all I can do to keep from scornful laughter.