Puppy had also promised to get a plane ticket over the weekend, for coming out here.

Honestly? It feels like he's disappearing on me, like he's decided I'm using him too much or he's found another woman, and he's just... going away. He doesn't call, he doesn't write, I don't hear from him AT ALL, what am I supposed to think? Either he's dead, or in jail... or he's found someone else. It's that last thought that really stings. To be honest, I can't even say I would blame him, I've been depending on him a lot over the last couple months and I'm not really a part of his world any more, while he's out there. He doesn't tell me about his fights any more. He only really talks to me when he's drunk. I know he's trying to get laid when he goes out, I know he goes out drinking a lot, and I know he's stopped talking to me.

Yes, I'm stressing about this. I'm stressing a LOT. I can't help it, I DO worry about him, and I honestly don't know what else I can do. I miss him.

Do I really think he's found some other Mistress? ...I don't know. It's frustrating, but I honestly don't know. Would I hate him if he did, and just... disappeared?

Yes.

I want to know.

If nothing else, I want to know he's ok, he's not dead or injured or sick, he's decided that he can't deal with me or some other woman has managed to lure him away. I want to know. Please.

Puppy... you know what it will do to me, if you disappear. Maybe that's what you want, maybe that other part to you decided that you were too vulnerable, wants to get rid of your weakness. Maybe you're just bored. Whatever the reason is, don't do this. Don't make me hunt you, don't make me have to track you down to learn the truth, don't try to disappear and expect me to just forget you. You KNOW how much it hurt when Kadin left. Please don't do this. This is the last thing I need right now.

Yes, maybe I'm overreacting to a few days of silence. The thing is, this is the FIRST few days of silence in a long, long time, and it was prefaced by a lot of me nagging and him drunk and trying to screw other women, and dammit, I'm HUMAN, I can't help worrying about it, taking it this way, I can't. I wish I could.

I wish I could just let him drop out of my life in peace, if that's what he wants.

I can't. I won't.

Puppy... Radu... Gordon... call me. Before I go from worried to angry.