so don�t cry delilah
you�re still alive delilah
you need a ride delilah? let�s see how fast this thing can go.....

Dresden Dolls. I can't stop playing this song. Can't stop hearing it in my head.

Can't stop remembering.

Gods, the times I just turned my back... and the times I tried, and the times it was me falling for it all over again, and the times when all I saw was the aftermath, and there's so MUCH of my memory I wish I could forget, why don't the seizures take THIS shit away? I don't want to remember this. I don't want to remember the bruises, and the tears, and the way a razorblade feels held between fingers, and the taste of bile and blood and cum swallowed unwillingly. I don't want to remember how I must have looked - I've seen that look in others' eyes too much, I recognize it so clearly, and gods help me sometimes it was my fault.

I... gods.

Jennifer R. Two hundred dollars I stole just to give away. Her father's face every time he looked at her... *shudders* And the bruises on that beautiful pale skin, I cried for her and kissed each one and didn't admit to myself that I liked the way they looked, didn't ever admit when I was kissing away tears that I just wanted to taste them.

I was a stupid kid. I was blind. I was mute, when I should have been screaming.

Going back to Rocky is so strange. I can see all the kids hitting the same stages I did, I know why Grr tried so hard to play mommy to the world, it's impossible to just turn away and pretend it's all ok. I would take them all in, just to stop the aweful pain I can see in some of their eyes when they think no one's looking.

This is one of the reasons it hurt so much when Kadin left. He still had that look, and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make it stop hurting. Funny, not something you really expect a sadist to say. It's a Big Thing, though. I don't want to hurt them if I can't make it stop hurting too. If I care enough to want them that close, to need them that much, then dammit, I want them ok afterward. I don't want to be this sort of memory for them.

I don't want to be sitting here right now, thinking about the past and feeling tears on my cheeks. I don't want to be sober, I don't want to be conscious, I don't want to be ME.

you�re just a sucker for the ones who use you
and it doesn�t matter what i say or do

Just... no.

I can't find words. This is the pain drugs can't even touch, these memories, this mix of desire and hatred and the dust of long-ago. This is why even if I was completely pain-free, some nights I'd still get so drunk I couldn't see straight.

This is part of who I am...

...and I wish it wasn't.