...or alone...

...so yeah, I failed at the no-booze thing. Cate wanted to go to a lesbian bar here. I should have sent her and Angel out and just stayed home, but I knew Puppy was in the ER for gods-know-how-long and I didn't want to be left out... so yeah.

I'm a wreck right now. Cate and Angel are curled up together on the spare bed and the thing is, I can't really protest - gods know it's good for Cate and hell, likely good for Angel too. Still leaves me alone here, awake, and hurting.

Yeah, hurting. Hi, Kadin. Funny, but I've been thinking of you a lot over the last few days. Remembering. Wishing. Crying, like I am right now. Oh, I'm a fucking mess, and I know it. You wouldn't recognize the confident demanding Domme that I could be if you saw me right now. No one would, really. I'm still half-drunk, I'm in agonizing physical pain, and for all the talk I throw out about owning people and having people, right now I'm in a cold, empty bed. I can't even say the words that would change that, because I honestly feel that it's better this way.

I want to call up Puppy... or Rhett, or Scott. Someone who would understand this set of emotions. I know it'd only make things worse in the long run but right now, that's... tempting. Leaving Cate. Going back, crawling back, to my parents. No more internet. No more failing other people. No more hurting like this and knowing that maybe I could make the pain stop but only at the expense of someone else.

Hell, screw crawling back anywhere. Just take myselfout of the picture. Cate knows what she wants now, without me being a draw on her finances she'd be quite well off. Angel, Puppy, they don't need me, not really. Even Torian, much as I know she loves me, would do better finding someone who could be there for her in person.

Right now... I'm nothing.

For one night, I'm being honest.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

Why am I still bothering to breathe?