It's 2:00 am here... everyone else is out in the living room watching Bowfinger, and I am in the Main House. That's right, I am not on either of the two computers downstairs in my apartment that are internet-capable, but upstairs, on yet another... we have a total of FIVE computers that can be connected, although only three can work at any given time, and one of the ones is a laptop with an external 14.4 modem. Still! Five computers... *drool*

If I'd known that I would have this life, I think I would have left home earlier to get it.

Which brings me to my first serious topic... my life as a kid. This kinda hit me over the head recently - someone emailed me, said he's getting addicted to my diary, and complimented (I think) me on my openness... it's not any great moral decision, or even pure stupidity, it's just a knee-jerk reaction after 18 years of having to hide everything about myself.

See, my parents were, and still are, conservative Christians. In my mother's case, the scary kind... that lady is whacked, and not in a good way. I remember growing up and having to recite bible verses before I was allowed to eat, remember having some of my favorite fantasy books BURNED because she thought they were 'inappropriate' - I'm talking Piers Anthony and Douglas Adams here, and I was 13... they were JUST FINE.

Anyway, I used to have to hide my books, keep them at friends' houses or pets' houses... yes, even back then I had my little chain, it was one of the few things I could do to feel powerful in an otherwise VERY powerless life... so whenever I could, I found new playtoys and added 'em to my list. They came in handy sometimes... other times, they were just fun and amusing... but I think I'm getting a bit off-topic.

The topic here is my openness. I write what I do, when I do, because I'm really f'ing tired of hiding myself, is all. I HATE having to play some role, to wear a mask that isn't of my own choosing and for a costume party, y'know? This... this diary, and to a large extent my life entire, is a form of rebellion against the life I used to have to lead.

Yeah, I know, at least one or two of you are parroting one of my last headthumpers: "If you know you're just rebelling, why don't you stop, and behave like a nice, normal young girl?"

Simple.

This is FUN.

See, I don't like my health, and sometimes I don't like what goes on in my life or am upset with myself for reacting poorly to something... but in general, I'm happy with things. I live in Portland - best city in the world, we have Powell's, a HUGE used bookstore, and we have amazing weather, if you like overcast days, frequent rain, and very little chance of sunstroke EVER. I have a wonderful partner/fiancee/lover/playmate, Caleb... and two more people who mean the world to me: Nick, whose role in my life is much less defined, but who definitely falls under 'lover', 'friend', 'confidant', and 'playmate'... and Kadin, who, really, there aren't enough words in the English language to describe. His name, in Bato'Cirn, means 'Partner'... and I find it to be quite fitting.

Add in the other important people in my life - Grr, Rhett, Juliet, Rie sometimes, Scott, Nre - and ya start noticing that I've got it pretty good.

So yeah, I'm pretty happy with my life.

Now, next topic, please!

Which would be... Why Taking One Vicodin Is Useless If You Are Jax. I took one, and will have to take more, which sux. I don't WANT to take more, I want to save them, since I never have enough... this time they only gave me twenty. But my tolerance is going up, up, up... I'm tempted to call my normal doctor and see if I can trade in the vicodin for some percoset, which at least I don't have that high a tolerance for. I think.

But I am lazy, and don't know if I will... I'll keep you posted, hopefully. Incidentally, yes, after having my teeth pulled I had NO intention of writing, it hurt too much. I spent the entire night in a bathtup, refilling it with warm water every couple hours, two teabags packed into the new holes in my gums, drooling because with the teabags in place, I couldn't close my mouth, and the tea-and-blood mix was too nasty to swallow. Ick.

But it's done now, leaving only a nasty tea aftertaste in my mouth that still hasn't gone away, and a VERY painful lower jaw, and of course my upper jaw still hurts, and did I mention that it feels like I'm getting another kidney stone? *wry grin* I don't have poor health. I don't have ANY health!

And now, I am going to go lie down and rest, take a couple more vicodin, and wait for my mouth to stop throbbing... be well, whoever-might-be-reading-this. Be better than I feel, anyway, and that'll be enough for me... incidentally, Trinian, if you happen to see Nreshan or Ikavalias around, let them know I'll be awol for a while? This computer doesn't have ICQ, and Nre checks his email once in a blue moon... thank you, thank you, thank you!

*fades out, dizzy, hungry, nausiated, and in pain... and still perfectly content to be Jax*