music, soft and solemn
from some piece of long-dead mecha
ancient flash of magic
seeming proud despite its age
treasures left in shambles
now alone with ghosts, and I
I dare explore
see what the past
once held

---

Yeah, bad poetry. I had the urge to write something, and the stuff I WANT to write seems to be stuck somewhere in the back of my mind - thank you, percoset - so I'm spitting out bad poetry and stream-of-thought ramblings, nothing more.

What exactly is it I'm thinking about? Firstly, that the Dungeons and Dragons movie SUCKS. It has NOTHING to do with the game itself, no decent dungeons, pathetic dragons, horrible acting, poor scripting, and one of the worst excuses for a plot I've ever seen. I'm a decent writer but I am completely unable to write scripts, I've tried... and still I could churn out better shlock than that. It's beyond pathetic... it's not even fun in a MST3k way. *shudders*

Other than that... I really did end up giving Nreshan the address to this diary. He read a couple entries, I don't actually know if he's going to look through the older stuff. But he read over what I had written about him most recently, this stuff, and said that I'd gotten some of it right and some of it wrong. The main thing I got wrong, apparently, is that he is NOT going to leave... or did he actually say that? *re-reads old messages*

Hm. He didn't. He DID say that he is loyal to those he wants to be, that he doesn't leave them. Oddly enough, he didn't say he was loyal to me. Yeah, I know, semantics... but he words things the way I do at times, wary, careful, but open enough that anything you want CAN be read into them. He's got walls a mile high. *shrug*

He also asked me why I don't want him to hurt himself really, said he doesn't think it's just because I can't stop him.

In a way he's right... it IS because I can't stop him and can't control it, but... well, there are a lot of people I can't control. Most of them don't bother me.

It bothers me that I can't stop him for the same reason it would bother me if I couldn't stop Kadin, or Rhett, or Scott. It bothers me because I actually do care about the brat, and although I have no objection to hurting him myself, to letting him hurt when he needs to, knowing that I CAN'T make it better sometimes hurts ME.

If I thought I could stop him...

*shrug* Kadin would recognize this little emotional quandry, he saw me in it a few times, IC and OOC both. Once I know I can stop someone's pain, it makes it a lot easier to accept it, to let them be in pain or even to force them to hurt. The only times I can't stand seeing someone in pain is if I can't stop it and it's someone I care about in some sense, whether it's love, lust, or friendship.

Yeah, not exactly sane or rational. But I've never claimed sanity, and I don't intend to start now.

Something else I am going to briefly rant about, unconnected for the most part - is it reasonable for a male to expect that he can or should 'share' in the emotions and mood swings of a recently-pregnant, PMS-ing, horny, hungry, sexually frustrated, going-through-baby-withdrawal, vicodin-craving female? Where the hell does he get off, claiming to understand it, saying that it's something he knows all about, huh? NO MAN IN THE WORLD knows about all of that, maybe a few of them have felt PARTS of it, but... dammit, let him get pregnant, let him be told he has to have an abortion, let him go through with it after having panic attacks just thinking about it, let him have horrible period cramps and severe depression because he feels like a murderer... let him get addicted to painkillers, let him have a sexual identity crisis.

THEN I'll agree that maybe he knows what I'm going through. Until then, he can fuck off, I think. Yeah, this referrs to someone in particular... no, I'm not going to explain who, it's personal enough that I see no reason to actually name names. The fact that I'm talking about it is, for right now, enough to make me feel a bit calmer.

Yes, I'm selfish. I write here because it helps me, because it amuses me, because it allows me to get my thoughts organized a bit and let out some frustration. I'm not writing here to be 'discovered', not writing because I think the world needs to know, not writing because anyone asked me to. I am doing it FOR ME.

Isn't that the point of a diary?