GODS, but I type too much
Previous - this entry written on July 08, 2003 at 4:33 pm - Next

*slight smile* People keep saying you're bad for me, you know. In some sense they're accurate as I'm quite sure that the interaction we have now really isn't the healthiest for either of us... but that said, I'm still not letting go.

Funny, that most males who ever bring up the subject seem... threatened? And most females just nod and understand and leave it at that. I can think of exactly one male who not only understood but also accepted how I feel about you and he's far enough away that I have no idea if/when I'll see him again. Perhaps that's WHY he understood.

Right now I can hear smalls screaming out in the kitchen, the whrrr of Ryan's computer, distant traffic and occasional announcements over the loudspeaker in the nearby car lot. I've got several songs running through my head as usual, and also as usual they're tangled up with a host of memories that I'm still not entirely sure how to deal with. My hands are still those of a stranger - inkstained and marked - although the patterns and pictures are slowly fading, smearing, turning into nothing more than shadows. It comforts me more than I can ever really explain to have my pens, to feel cold color staining my skin. Another mask.

You call me your heart. You say you've felt this way for a long time. You believed I left you.

When I left Manzanita I was 18 and pregnant with Scott's and my child. It was either leave to an uncertain reception with a friend from college, giving the child up for adoption, never really returning home... or stay, and let the woman I still hate raise another child the way she raised me. You of all people should understand how much it would have disgusted me to leave anyone in her hands.

The baby, growing up now, is living with her adopted family. They're Christians. I'm not interfering; I intend to stay out of her life until she's old enough to start asking questions and come looking for answers. I'll give them. I don't know if she'll understand, but I will explain things. I wish the woman who gave me up for adoption could explain.

Before that... no. I had not left. In a town where it would only take ten minutes to walk from my house to yours, in a town where everyone knew everyone, so small, how could you think I'd left? I walked through the streets night after night, I waited, I hoped...

...and being still young and still a bit awed by my parents and the world, I didn't do more. Perhaps I should have. I didn't know if those efforts would be welcome, any more than you knew what sort of reception your words or dreams might have.

Yes, I always listened. Yes, I cared.

Yes, there is a part of me that nearly bursts with pleasure and contentment at the term you use so often in your journals.


It's day, there's blue sky and white clouds and sun, birdsong and traffic, the trees slowly dancing against the backdrop of the rest of the universe. The light is on in my room. Everything is bright, clean, fresh. You know me - this isn't my normal time to think, to be awake and wondering. So why am I writing this all out now? Why would I choose this time to think of you, instead of the night when everything is cool and dark and alive? Part of it is that, simply put, I want to see if I CAN think of you right now. Sometimes, listening to others harangue me on the subject, I can't help but wonder if maybe they're right and I'm just letting you fool me into something or worse, fooling myself into it. *wry grin* ...and about five seconds later I laugh inside, shake my head, and point out to myself that no matter where this goes or what it might be, that the best memories of my life include the times I spent with you. I don't really care what anyone else's perception of this is, I don't really care how I perceive it... I only care that it's here. You're here.

Funny, that. I feel about you the way I feel about my boys, to some extent. Knowing you exist, even if you're not present or even if things aren't perfect or even if... well, anything. Knowing you exist is a comfort. It's one of the things I cling to on the bad days and one of the reasons I smile on the good ones.

I don't know who you are now, not entirely. Years with little or no interaction will do that to a person. Hell, even months or weeks can be enough to change. I do know that I miss talking with you, that I love you.

I know that the risks are worth while.

I know that the memories are worth while.

I know that it will be good to see you, to talk with you, no matter how it goes.

*shrugs slowly*

You're one of the things that I am certain of. Even with the fears I've had... still, I am certain.

I gave you a promise a long time ago and I intend to keep it.

*stretches slightly, closing her eyes for a moment, back arched and every muscle tight for just that second*

Ahh... and now to the update-ish portion of the diary. Tomorrow I call the urologist to figure out what time my appointment on Friday is for. I'm looking forward to it in some ways and dreading it in others. It's a new person, someone who I've not dealt with before, and I have NO idea how this will all work. *sighs, shrugging again* It always leaves me a bit nervous to talk to a new doctor, since I've been disbelieved FAR too often to trust that any of them will actually look at my charts and listen to what I say.

Caleb, Kadin, Torian... gods, but I've not had enough time. Yes, part of that is that I've been honestly busy or sick-and-miserable, and part of it is that the f'ing computers keep crashing, but no matter what the reasons or excuses are, dammit, I want my boys! *poutsulk* It feels as if there's too much distance, and I REFUSE to let that happen. MY boys. Beloved, treasured, and needed. *zen-pounces them*

Fish, I'm going to post this soon. It's nearly 5:00 and there are things to be done, people to meet, ice cream to eat... err, actually, having had two bowls of ice cream I should not have any more today. Gonna go track down Solid Food and nosh on that, then give Becca a ring and see if she feels like wandering thisaway today.

Actually, speaking of that, there's something I've been trying to figure out. See, Becca (much like me) tends to insomniac. This is not-so-good since it means that often when she spends the night she doesn't actually get any sleep and ends up heading home in the morning only to crash when she gets there. Part of that is that Ryan snores loudly, and I'm sure part of it is just that it's not her home, but dammit I want to let her sleep! I keep trying to figure out some way to help but... yeah. Easily-confused and not-too-useful Jax, since often I end up passing out at about the same time as Ryan or staying awake and just wandering in and out. *tsks at herself*

Right now I'm mostly debating what to do when I've noshed and gone and such... I'm still hooked on Thousand Arms (a really hilarious RPG/dating game for Playstation that Kenji first introduced me to. It's really fun, it's really strange, and it's REALLY silly. It's also a great distraction when I'm bored and a great way to un-depress myself. I've finished the 'Crimson' set of comics (they're Ryan's and I now recommend them to anyone who likes illustrated novels, odd comic series, and cute redheads) and am pretty much out of other reading material, but there are a few movies that I've not seen yet and a fair pawful of other games so I think I'll be able to keep myself occupied. I'm not going to stay online, mostly 'cos I don't trust the computer any farther than I can throw it. *wry grin*

So. Sleep suggestions - please? And yes, despite the above drama-and-coversational-stuff, I really AM still me and still cheerful.


Must find caffeine.

*pads off, stretching again*

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