It's a swift sweet heartbreak / Missing you
Previous - this entry written on July 17, 2003 at 12:59 am - Next

It's a bit past midnight and I'm writing again. Hiding again too, from the heat and the bad puns and YUCK I just squished a spider. Ew. Fish, I'm writing and hiding and not entirely answering a few questions because although a week ago..., start this differently. See, I've always wanted and needed and liked a certain amount of drama in my life, and I'd had a LOT of that in the form of what was (I thought) a rather one-sided love affair that at this point had become almost like a game only I knew I was playing. It's painfully easy to be uncertain at moments like that. So yeah, I'd more-or-less convinced myself that I was just looking for a drama fix, that it was going to fall apart and degenerate and I'd end up frightened again, worried again... that I'd feel controlled. Helpless. Something that I didn't want, ANYTHING that I didn't want, and then I'd use that to back off and calm down and so forth.

So yeah, I'm sitting here getting misty-eyed at the scent of alcohol on Ryan's breath.

*sighs softly, shaking her head* I guess I really don't understand myself. There were times... gods, there were times I've not written about and never will. There were moments I was certain that the best possible thing to do was to distance myself as far from her as was possible. And then there were nights like tonight... nights where I felt my memories trickling in around the edges of my thoughts, where the scent of the wind and the way someone moved and faint sounds and half-seen fragments of moonlight, where all of it tumbled together into an ache so strong I thought I would die of it.

I guess I miss her even more than I thought I would. It felt... good. It felt RIGHT. I think that's what is confusing me - I expected it to fall apart into shadows and dust and nothing but sketchy fragments of what once was, and instead it still leaves me blushing and dazed.

*shrugs slowly, curling up for a moment before stretching, yawning slightly* Wine coolers. Heh.

Fish, I have Actual News Regarding Caleb! Yes, there's something more than lack-of-defrosting going on now! And yes, this all gets exclamation points! ...or not. That looks silly. To continue, Caleb will be coming up for most of a week-ish next month, and is walking around his building at work when he goes out for his cigarette breaks. *wry grin* I was half-tempted to post only the latter half of that but... yeah. YEAH. Caleb is coming back! *poings*

And apparently Kadin called and it was while Becca and I were out waiting for Ryan to get off work.

Now if I can just figure out a time and way to get my arse out to Gresham SOON... *sighstretch*

Bah. Wine coolers and weird memories and wonderful feelings and Buffy and Dead Bear and the certainty that although my life could be better and could be worse, at least right now it's livable in the extreme.

Oh, hey, and gallstones do too hurt. *eyes the evil ER people*

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