The thing is, I DO have enough of those threads. It only really takes a few - a newspaper, a pair of parents, a soulmate... do I want that, though?

See, Torian is right about one thing, he has gotten short shrift when it comes to my time and attention. I had indeed promised him contact, and for several months haven't provided it. Amusingly enough, I haven't really had contact with anyone else either... a few in-passing comments or emails exchanged, and those often at the initiation of the other person, rather than through my immediate effort. Is that likely to change? Not right away, no. My boys know my phone number, my email address, my physical address. They know where my journal is, how to get in touch with my friends. It's not hard to find me.

*shrugs again* Comfortably numb... a large part of me has been expecting this since the first time he threw a fit because he didn't think I was paying enough attention to him. Even more so since he asked me to retrain him and my response, a 'yes, when I can', was met with a combination of annoyance and scorn.

He bears my mark etched on his skin, my words still circling in his thoughts, my voice catching at him when he sleeps, when he dreams.

Yes, I could pull him back.

Could.

I do not have the time to break the boy, not at present... and if I have to drag him back kicking and screaming, no other goal would be acceptable. So will I pull him back?

No.

Not yet.

Perhaps not ever.

*a slight smile curves the corner of her mouth*

...or perhaps one morning soon he'll awake to the sound of an angry voice, arguing with someone on the phone... denial, fury, confusion... and footsteps approaching his room.

*shrugs once more*

But I do not have time right now. I have been saying that repeatedly. What time I DO manage to scrape up is fragmented and brief, and often when I'm either sick or drugged. You want my attention then? Email. Talk. Call. Do SOMETHING. You want my respect? Call politely, ask nicely, and accept the fact that NO, I can't turn off the rest of my problems just to pay lip service to you. If I wanted to be in a relationship like that, I'd... ehh. We will not go into that.

I am, as I have always said, here. That doesn't change. However, what DOES change is whether or not I am going to be willing to answer you. If you can't manage to stop whining and if you can't accept the fact that you - whoever you are - are not the only thing in my life, then we really don't have much to say to each other.

And this is the final entry on the subject of Torian, as things stand.

*pads off to hunt down dinner or throw up, depending on her body's whims*

Yeah. A bit annoyed, a bit hurt, not too surprised but not too pleased.