Tomorrow I contact my mother, talk to the doctor, clean the bedroom (again) and generally do a lot of fussy little things. It's weird - I have had to do the 'only for a while' thing often enough with Caleb that my excitement is more for the snuggles and his voice and all. With Kadin? It's different. It still feels... new, I guess. I'm nervous, in case you couldn't tell.

Why? Courtesy of my own laziness and lack of a heathy diet I'm quite a bit larger than I'd like. If I could convert half of the fat to an equal weight of muscle, I'd be happy. Yes, I know I have actual reasons for that laziness - illness and internal problems being most of them, an extreme hate for heat and allergy-equiv. to sunlight being the rest.

It's been going on for quite a while, you see. Ever since the first stone, I started going downhill a LOT faster. This isn't good. Hopefully - it's always hopefully, isn't it? - now that it's starting to cool down and now that I am in signifigantly less pain on average I'll be able to get some form of exercize in.

I miss my strength... or rather, I miss having the ability to use my strength for something fun, as opposed to just carrying my weight around. *sigh*

I know that writing about, bitching about, and worrying about things like this is common. I know there are people MUCH larger than I am, and people MUCH skinnier - just pick up a fashion catalog and you'll see the thin ones. There's got to be a way to turn this off, to get my body to work again. Yes, I know of several tricks. One of them is to cut back on sugars - diet colas, trying not to eat much chocolate, etc. Another one is daily exercize - walking with Ryan to and from work, walking around the block, down to the store, whatever. A third is to set myself up with a LOT of baby carrots, breadsticks, grapefruits... basically healthy stuff. If I have that around and snack constantly but with VERY small portions, it'll keep my metabolism kicked into high-gear. Hopefully.

Unfortunately, the last one and part of the first one both involve money. *twitch* I NEED to find and keep a job.

It's 1:40 and I'm stressed out.