...everything. Everything but silence from the one I care most about, if you want to be truly accurate. Silence... it turns everything to shadows and waiting. Nothing to taste, nothing to see, and sooner or later I will go elsewhere to Feed.

Little one, there is always, ALWAYS, one thing you can do. I am rather surprised you haven't latched onto it already, considering how miserable current circumstances seem to be making you. I'm surprised, even a bit shocked. *shrugs slightly* It's 4:00 in the morning here, I've just woken up from sleeping, and my stomach is still in knots. I'm not up to a complicated explanation, nor am I going to launch into some huge philosophy-statement of a rant that will only lead to more confusion. I'll say it simple.

Beg, little one.

*stretches* Tonight was the Dixon semi-party-thing, I had been going to Maxx out there with Candice, and I have this to say: I want a Real Doctor now. No Nurse Prac at a clinic, no naturopath who gives me meds that leave me violently ill, no E.R. visit habit. I want a Real Doctor. I'm willing to do whatever-the-fuck I have to, as long as I get one soon. I'm back to being a bit scared by my body. I'm tired of EVERYTHING being interrupted by pain and nausia and dizziness and me-passing-out and y'know, this depression could go too.

I really wish there was a phone here that would agree with long distance long enough for me to ring twice. *shrugs slightly*

Right now I don't even have enough words for some of the background roar in my head. Some of it I've gone over and over here in a hundred different posts, some of it is just depression sneaking around the edges of... well, pretty much everything, actually. Some of it... some of it is a cruelty, a sadistic streak, that only rears its head on truly rare occasions. I know why it's here, know it perfectly well and even understand it, and I also know that since the only person who will be even within reach soon ~might~ be Ryan and the odds of me being able to satisfy this around him? Don't bet on it, folks. He's... he's nice. And physically strong. And dammit, I'm out-of-it enough right now that I am nearly hating him for this.

It's not his fault.

*closes her eyes*

There are scars that nobody sees, and it's nights like this that led to their formation.