Not that this matters much but it's a perfect capstone for a day that I'd thought might be a good one. In some ways it was, I guess... good moments, good things happened, no massive Acts Of Gord destroying my life or anything. That doesn't really help just now, though. It certainly didn't help for the few seconds it took me to decide not to take a razorblade into the bathroom with me, it didn't help at all for my decision not to get roaringly drunk, and it sure as hell isn't helping me feel any better at the moment.

I'm fat. This is one of the things I thought and believed all my life but up until recently, it wasn't so bad. The last two years have been hell on my system and I have been hell on my system. I weigh over 250 pounds and the muscle tone I had a few years ago is turning into slack. I've been...

...let me interrupt myself here. I got diet Pepsi when my folks dragged me out to lunch. No sugars, no syrup, on my food. No salt, even. I ate a Wendi's double-stack (which is completely unhealthy) and fortunately it sat better than the pepsi (which came back up along with a bit of my meal) earlier. I'm trying, have been whenever I can remember for the last week or so. I've asked Ryan for help. I don't have much in the way of individual food selection and it still sends daggers through my left side to walk more than a few blocks at once or even to bend over if I move wrong.

I'm aware that I am fat. I'm aware it needs to be dealt with, and slowly I have been trying.

Tonight, it kind of bit me - not the trying, the fact that I'm still failing and that there is no instant cure.

Tonight, for the first time in a LONG time, it occurred to me that maybe it would be for the best to try something that was offered to me that long time ago.

Drugs aren't the answer to everything. Starving myself or forced vomiting aren't the answer either.

I will keep repeating those last two statements as needed.

The funny thing is that this, tonight's kick-in-the-face, came just after a rather unpleasant internal readjustment that I'd been aiming for. We - yes, WE, get over it - aren't too thrilled with the state of this life. Exercise, a better diet, more awake-time, more people-time... something, all those things, it's necessary.

I'm slowly turning into a white-trash nothingness.

I refuse to slip into that.

WE refuse.

Drastic changes... they aren't exactly easy to pull off.

I am determined to find a way. Do you hear that? I AM DETERMINED TO CHANGE.

...now what to change, that's the real question. The answer... isn't going to be written here.