Not Ending, Not Beginning, Simply There
Previous - this entry written on December 21, 2003 at 2:50 pm - Next


...when the world ends...

I pray it's all in my head, that what I see, what I feel, will fade and turn to dust, something deeper, stronger, overpowering the shadows and half-heard voices. I pray - it is the only term that can hold all the emotion spilling past my walls, overflowing, a torrent of tears and lust and hope. I pray, hopeful indeed, but well aware that hope is so often an illusion.

...I want to take you by my side...

My head hurts. It's pulsing, throbbing, I can barely see when it flashes bright agony through my vision, ripping away any ability I might have had to see things clearly. Part of me, it wants to make excuses, there are explanations, I was sick, I was tired, I was... anything, anything that would make up for or explain away the shame and desire and confusion, anything there to save myself.

Question is, is this a self worth saving? If it's not, then I've wasted 24 years of life. I refuse to see them as waste, though. Bright, proud, dancing high-wire over a crowd who wait to see me fall... not falling, not giving in, still holding onto some last shred of illusion and still on the tightrope, so high.

No, not suicide, not a death wish. Realistically, after my one and only serious attempt since I was what, 14 or so? ...after that, and after thinking, and debating... there's an answer.

If I go down I'm taking the world with me.

Yes, egotistical.

Allow me my ego, and if you happen to see a 500-minute phone card floating around, it's mine. Damned thing is lost in the Mess Field and I want it back. Not sure if it'll help or hinder, but I do know it'll mean conversation initiated at my whim...

...I wake up, sometimes, hearing not the phone here but the one that was in the basement apartment at Dixon House... I remember how it felt there.

How right.

I'm really gonna shut up now. This... isn't helping. Not the way I'd hoped it would.

I miss you.

Previous - Next
Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven -
- Do Not Feed The Moose -




Human Pets!

Latest
Older
First

Profile
Cast
Disclaimer

Links
Pants
Porn
Addiction
Blowjobs

Notes
Guestbook

Art
Writings
Bad
Poetry
Collection
The Girls

Old-time
Radio
Techno
VideoSift
The Boxes
#submission

Hosted
at D-land