Thanks.

My ankle, which got royally sprained during the last seizure, still isn't healed. I've finally started icing it and (most of the time) keeping it elevated, but the damage is done and it hurts like hell 90% of the time. The other 10% I'm drugged into a stupor - there is no halfway ground yet, only Pain/No Pain.

Right now I am exceptionally thankful Caleb's around, as without his help and care I would likely still be hobbling about in even more agony, worried and frustrated. It's amazing how much better life feels when he's around... and yes, right now I need that extra support and *sheepish* reassurance.

There are a lot of people who seem to think that being Domme means being in control all the time, that you can just order and command with no backlash, no down time. That's not how it works, unfortunately. I've ranted about responsibility, about communication, about fairness and respect and a host of other things. I've got something different to talk about right now.

Love.

See, almost any relationship that's based on or focused around D/s is going to have a lot more stresses and problems than a more 'traditional' relationship, it seems. There's a whole new emotional framework to deal with, there's issues that wouldn't come up anywhere else (should I wear my collar to my son's graduation, does my pet need to be tied to the bed or just beside it), and there's scores more that still aren't what I'm saying.

Love.

That's something misunderstood, miscommunicated, even misplaced in ANY sort of relationship. How do you tell someone exactly HOW you love them, how do you keep from making stupid cliches or promises you can't keep? I sure as hell don't know. I don't think I will ever know, and I doubt I'll be able to explain what fragments I do figure out. This is something everyone has to deal with on their own.

Love.

The list of people I love is fairly short. I love my boys - yes, all three of them. I'm starting to love Becca. I love Grr. I love Aleah. I love Angel. I love Rhett. Eight people that I can honestly say I love; I think I'm actually fortunate in that. A lot of people only find one or two in their lifetimes.

The reason I'm... ehh, ranting isn't even the right word. The reason I'm rambling about this particular subject is that last night I was rather intensely reminded of the separation of love and D/s. I've re-read my entry a few times. I've actually cried a bit. And I've come to one certain conclusion: I'm still here, I still feel, and that's not changing. Whatever happens, I know how I feel.

Months' worth of diary entries. Tears, pleasure and pain and relief. Scars. Dreams. The memory of words and touches and lazy moments spent silent, together. Nothing is going to take that away. *shrugs*

I've spent a large chunk of today thinking about Kadin. I still don't really know how I'm reacting, what I feel. It's been a day full of pain, medication... hell, it snowed this morning and the power went off an hour or so before we left to see the third LotR. I've been distracted a lot of the time but it's been in the back of my mind.

Shuffling Penguins: ...it's amazing how much NOT being collared makes me think about being your slave.

It's amazing how much not having him collared makes me think about more than slavery, more than submission, more than ownership. I love him, and this is the first time in a LONG time that I've been able to look at it somewhat objectively. I don't love him for his submission (although I treasure it far more than I think he realizes). I don't love him for his talents, for his skills, FOR anything. I love him. Pure and simple, I love him. That...

...that's what I've been thinking about today. There are people I love, people that maybe I haven't had a chance to say this to or that wouldn't believe it... people that matter to me because they ARE, not because of something they DO. So.

Caleb, Geoff, Ryan, Becca, Grr, Aleah, Rhett, Angel...

...because half the time I don't even have the courage to say this, but I always mean it...

...I love you.

That said, I'm going to try to check email, go curl up next to Caleb and read for a while, whatever... I'm feeling over-emotional and sappy again and although there's a time and place for such things, I don't think it's now.

*shrugs, padding off into the shadows of Dixon House, balanced on a pair of crutches*