...I don't know what to do with them. Or me.

These fragments and fractures and little bits of 'what if' and 'when' are going to keep me awake tonight, listening to myself argue and pace internally. Another long set of hours spent staring into a dark room and wishing that things were simple. I'll say it again, I KNOW this depression is PMS, medication problems, and allergies. I know that, I don't doubt it for a minute, and still I'm having a hard time fighting off tears.

I was checking my stats and in the course of going through 'em I ended up clicking, out of curiosity, on one of the search strings someone was at before hitting my journal - the search results were mostly pay-sites, various online dommes advertising, enticing, cropped pictures and enough commercialism that it actually made me queasy.

That's the weird thing, or so most of society seems to think. I stopped being a pro domme a LONG time ago. I can't do it. The only ones I play with are the ones I have at least some connection to. I won't charge them because I know that I'm already taking more than I give and because I know it's such a very unbalanced equation.

I don't do this for profit... not for finantial profit, anyway. If that was what I was after, do you think I'd be moping after boys in other states, other countries? Do you think I'd care this much and DO this much out of love and lust and need and desire if it were all a matter of dollars and cents?

...honestly, I think that some people DO believe that. Something like it, at least.

That depresses me.

Look, I'm no one's Dream Woman. I'm not slender, I'm not gorgeous, I'm not rich, I'm not... well, not perfect. What I am is frustrated, actually. I can't ever seem to communicate to the ones who matter most to me that they DO matter. I can't seem to make time for the important people in my life. I have a list of excuses a mile long and most of them, seizures for example, are pretty damned good since I can't exactly just make 'em go away. Problem is, when all is said and done I'm still asleep, or sick, or absent, or miles away, or moping and depressed, or busy with someone else, or something else, or whatever happens to be the Thing Of The Moment.

Look, whoever-you-are reading this, how the hell do normal people work this? There's got to be something, some plan or some trick or some form of organization, something that they've all figured out that I'm still missing. I want the ones I love to get what they need from me. I want to be able to give them time and attention; more than that, I want to be able to satisfy them in any way I can.

Which is another reason that right now I'd make one hell of a lousy pro domme by some lights and a damned good one by others: I want to satisfy. Why?

BECAUSE THEY MATTER.

Did that come through clearly? Good. Caleb matters. Kadin matters, Geoff matters. Ryan matters. Becca matters. Grr matters. Talia matters. Hida matters. Rhett matters. Angel matters. Scott matters. Tarma matters. Arrasto matters. They MATTER to me, each one, for different reasons and in different ways but dammit, why is it so hard to show how much they matter?

...sorry, I know that I'm kinda jumping about here. Again, depressed, medicated, and trying to write out my feelings in hope of understanding them.

I...

...what I want most right now is to have Caleb and Kadin here too, all of us eating popcorn and watching Monty Python or something of that sort. Not sex, not power, not money, not health, not sanity, not... not anything reasonable or rational, I guess. I just want them all here, happy, with me.

And I still can't figure out how to show them that they matter.

*shrugs slightly, padding off, leaving this post to be buried by time and the freezing rain that's still falling on and off again outside*