Ryan and I are not Breaking Up. What we ARE doing is mutually agreeing that physically right now I need more care than he can provide and mentally/emotionally I'm being a drain on him that with HIS current physical and mental problems he's starting to lose his grip... err. I think I lost myself there somewhere. I'll attempt slightly simplifying.

Ryan's over-stressed. He doesn't know how to handle my seizures, my addictions, my need for other people, my distance (mostly due to lack of memory and illness) of late, and my overall physical health all at once WHILE he's over-stressed. Plus keep in mind that he's dating Becca and I both; she needs as much attention as I do and frankly, he's the center of her world. He's just a large portion of mine. It makes better sense for him to concentrate on her and on getting to relax for a while.

I, on the other paw, really need to work on my health and a bit on the emotional breakdowns that seem to come linked to my seizure-state. Because I haven't had enough time, enough attention, and enough memory/concentration to really savor Kadin and Caleb for MONTHS, I'm starting to go royally nuts. I honestly need them not merely in my life but as major parts of it. Even giving Geoff some time to relax and kind of take a break while I can't properly care for him is bothering me. I WANT to properly care for him, I want to be able to hold him and hurt him and talk to him. *sighs* Having Caleb up here was delicious, but now that he's back down in California his absense is incredibly painful.

I... yeah. I'm not really a simple girl, not in this respect. I honestly don't think there is ANY one person who could satisfy me as I am; I also don't intend to drastically change myself in an attempt to be happy with Just One Person. *twitch*

The vamp game tonight was fairly pleasant, although my legs are still cramping from way too much time sitting in the same position on the floor. It was good to be around people... although last night's emotional short circuit was still in the back of my head.

Ryan's agreed to give me until February 10th - my choice of date - to see what I can do. Either by then I'll have made SOME progress with the seizures, at least finding a new neurologist, and hopefully calmed down a bit... or I'm going to find somewhere else to be, somewhere that won't leave him so immediately worried about me. I'd like, honestly, to find some sort of care facility where someone with a reliable memory would be responsible for doling out my medications, where there would be nursing staff on call 24/7, where I wouldn't be so stressed about paying attention to my health... but being in somewhere like that and still getting regular 'net access, talking to the people to matter, being ME, might be a bit of an issue. Still, if I can get SSI and get them to cover the cost, a few months of that while I work on the seizures might really make a difference.

*shrugs slightly*

Heh, Becca is pouncing Ryan. There is a vibrator involved, and nudity, and purring and fun noises, and all things considered I really am a lot more fortunate than could rationally be expected.

Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with Tash...