Ahh.

Right.

Letting someone else write this now, apparently.

...

Look, you were warned from the get-go that this was how things were. NOT just that there were two other people involved, although those two are still and always the most important on an individual basis.

You're not enough. I'll put that here, loud and clear, and see what happens. It's true. You're not enough. You're not a slaveboy, you're not a quick distraction, you're not a long-haired freak with sharp nails, you're not dark skin and dark eyes and dark memories, you're not the taste of fresh blood on my lips, you're not an expensive dinner with no serious strings attached, you're not someone I've half-seriously thought about claiming for years, you're not virginity surrendered, you're not experience overwhelmed, you're not a quick touch and a quicker flash of anger-lust...

...in short, you are Only Human. Same as anyone else. Same as everyone else. I just happen to want more from life than one human CAN provide... hell, some days I want more than three can provide.

Can't cope with that? After this long you're only now realizing that you have too much self-worth or too much ego or just not enough patience to accept me as I am?

Funny, that.

Ask around, see just how long I've been waiting for this moment, how long ~I~ have known you wouldn't hold up. Ask how many times even in the beginning I made it plain that you were - and you'll hate this - too nice to be happy with me.

You are.

You're sweet, you have fairly good and even normal morals, you want a nice life and a nice family and lover-boy, I can't even begin to compensate for the fact that your own family is fucked up. I either can't or won't be the Perfect Girl for you... or for anyone else either.

Oh, hey, this next bit isn't even to you specifically:

I'm not pleased with the state of my health, mental and emotional as well as physical. I AM doing things to fix these states; some of it's been a while in coming but the fact is, I AM FIXING MYSELF. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to be perfect or that my definition of Me, my finished product, is going to be the one you want to see.

Caleb, I intend to live with you, snuggling and snarking and fooling around, cleaning occasionally, cooking often, and scribbling gothic poetry on the walls.

Kadin, I intend to have you in my presence physically again, living with me wherever I am, held and beaten and teased and loved and comforted and sent out into a whole world full of interesting freaks who like your company almost as much as I do.

Ryan, I intend to make sure you've got someone to be there for you. I told you that. I've also told you (and Becca and Grr and Scott and Caleb and gods know who else) that I wouldn't always be that person, that I was happy about Becca because I can see that sort of stability in her and know the two of you can and likely will be happy together.

There are several others who deserve comments this direct and clear - Angel, Nreshan, Arrasto, Nick, Rhett, Becca - but frankly, you're the one who set this all off and now I'm going back to you, oh Tiger.

Prowling and pouncing... good god, if you not only can't accept the part of me that is still madly in lust with you and the part of me that thinks chaste kisses are more than a little boring, but can't tell me so at the time... yeah. We do have a problem.

Look, you said you'd give me until the 10th of February. I'm giving you the same. That's nearly a month, lover-boy. In a month, either one of us will change, or I'll be outa here.

Bets, anyone?

...

*beats that part of her back into a box and calms down, shaking her head*

Geh. Some days, even ranting and venting bites harder than it should. Tonight I make money, tomorrow I make progress, somewhere in all that I make my mother aware that she needs to pull her head briefly out of her arse again, and the end result?

By the time Friday rolls around I should have cash in hand, be at least a bit more calm, and generally speaking be quieter too.

I'll still be me, though. How many times do I have to say this?

I am me. I rather LIKE being me. I really have no intention of changing, just adjusting for survival and comfort.

You met me altered, split, horny, looking for distraction, and generally strange. If you didn't think that was the Real Me, it's hardly my fault.

*pads off, dancing slightly to Winamp, her eyes sparkling... a phone call and memories of fingernails on her inner arms, chocolate and music, sparkly things, money, red meat... it's all good in her world, and from the firm set of her expression it's clear she intends to keep it that way*

...brief addendum: Caleb. Kadin. Hell, anyone who has known me for more than a few months, online or offline. I'd honestly like to hear from you on this.

Do either of you expect me to change drastically, to settle down, to stop wanting random moments of violence and sex... to stop being who I have been in the time you've known me?

Leave me an answer. Please.

I want to see if maybe it really IS just me.