Wrong about the whole optimism thing, anyway.

Which means what? ...that Ryan and I are officially No Longer Involved. Since he's now dating just Becca, she's made it clear that he does NOT get to fool around with me any more. Or with anyone else, as far as I can tell. I hope he enjoys mono. *slight smile*

So how am I taking this?

Do you really want to know?

Do you know that the last person who left me feeling this... this shattered... was so long ago I was still living in Manzanita?

I remember stroking his hair and sobbing. That's when I first started the silent tears, that's when I first pulled my body to this degree of control. Silent tears and near-motionless. He slept, and I watched him sleep, and I don't think he ever knew I cried. I doubt he ever will know.

*shrugs slightly* Ryan said he thought I wouldn't care at all if we broke up.

I promised him that I wouldn't hurt him for breaking up with me.

The cramps are gone. The nausea is now coming clockwork in the morning.

Alone, here.

...feels fine.

Hell, you could even say it's wonderful.

It's always wonderful here.

Dinner tonight was wonderful. Tash and I went out for steak, just dinner and conversation, nothing more. We talked. It was nice. I got home. I felt happy. I thought maybe everything might be OK.

I...

...see, this is why. Because after it's good, after the moments when I think just maybe it'll be OK and that for that moment I'm happy and...

...maybe I didn't hold on tight enough.

...I feel like I'm losing myself.

...I don't know.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I was handling it so well even, I was calm, Becca and Ryan and I watched a movie and I thought I was going to be fine, that it hurt but I could keep the hurt locked away and out of sight and it's spilling over so fast now... I can't stop crying, it keeps aching, I can't breathe with it all.

Disaster, indeed.

That's me.

I don't think I could be any other way if I tried.

I didn't try.

...I feel like I lost a piece of my soul.

How many pieces left now? How much is left in the rubble?

I know that I deserved this in some ways. I know I'm not easy to live with. I know I'm demanding. I know I'm confusing. I know I'm frustrating. I know, I know, I KNOW, I told you and told you and you said you could cope with it and then I fell in love and now you're gone.

...I...

...dammit, why can't I stop crying? Why won't it just get over with and go away? Doesn't this STOP?

At least I know I won't be looking for a Dom.

You can attach an 'ever' to that, if you want... at least that matches how I feel now. I don't want this.

I...

...I don't really want to talk. Kadin, Caleb, for now at least, email. Not phone. I don't think I could deal with hearing you so far away right now.

It feels as if there aren't enough tears to make the hurt fade... as if I can't spill out enough to ease the pain. Maybe I just need to find something else, some other way, some way to have enough.

I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself...
...I just want something that I can never have

I'll still be breathing tomorrow.