Oh, and hey.

It's my birthday.

...I think this actually hits 'worst birthday ever', so far at least. Yesterday... Yesterday until about 9:30 I was reasonably happy. I was fed, I had chocolate, I figured that since I was all calm and stuff that the night might go smoothly. I was actually not seriously worried about today. I figured that it'd just be another usual day, nothing major. I figured maybe I'd even get to have an actual happy birthday.

Dammit, why the fuck can't I keep from crying over the stupid little things? Why does the date matter? Why does ANY of this matter? Where the hell did my self-control go?

The stuttering is getting worse again. I don't dare try to have a conversation because I keep tripping over my tongue.

The sparklies are back at the corners of my vision; when I cry they flood inward and I can barely see, the whole world is glitter and waterstains.

I... the notes, they really mean a lot to me. It's comforting to have something there. I can't... I can't...

...gods, I can't even remember what I was going to say. My hands are twitching.

And I still can't stop crying.

...there. Just sniffles now. It's locked away again. Sooner or later I'll find a way to keep the tears away.

Actually, that's not strictly true. I already know one way to keep the tears away, one Sure Thing. A few more hours of this much crying, this much time spent feeling like an idiot, and I'll try that. *sighs*

Control.

Just because the world was knocked out from under me doesn't mean I can't still come out on top somehow, right? Control. I'll make this work out. I'll...

...yeah...

... broke, hungry, tired, frustrated, lonely, in pain, bored, emotional, worried, tense, dizzy...

...I'll, apparently, sit here and wish the day would get over with soon.