Ryan and I are back together.

See, we actually Talked, and at least some of the things that caused him to make his somewhat abrupt decision were nothing more than misunderstandings. Others... others, we'll have to see about. At any rate, we're going to spend more time talking, seeing if we can sort this out and settle it logically.

Or, at least from my point of view, we're making enough of a go at Fixing Things that if it still isn't working a month from now, I'll be able to go without feeling as if I've had a hole ripped in me... ehh, that's a bit more optimistic than realistic. Rather, I'll have a much smaller hole and the knowledge that at least we tried. Hell, if I'd disappeared on everyone I cared about the moment we had problems I wouldn't be speaking to ANYONE. *winks at Grr*

Do I think it'll all work out? I've been asking myself that question since we renewed our relationship, and the only honest answer I can give is that I think it WILL all work out, but I don't know HOW it will work out, only that whatever ends up happening will be both more stable and better for us both than the painfully abrupt split that...

...hm.

Among other things, apparently a large part of the problem was Sieia-To. She has yet to be kind and gentle for more than rare moments; for those of you who have NO idea what I'm talking about, just substitute 'my bitchy side' for 'Sieia-To' and it'll at least make a bit more sense. Anyway, he pointed out that she has a habit of popping out when he and I are arguing about something and that she's rude and demanding and... well, in short, bitchy. This is actually one of the things, if not THE thing, that's going to be seriously hard for me to work around.

See, when someone I care about starts sniping at me and being obviously pissed, particularly if I've gotten the impression that whatever the arguement is about is something that from my point of view is not only OK but necessary, becoming defensive of that view and doing my best to hold my own in the arguement is hard NOT to do. I am really not the sort of girl who knuckles under when told what to do unless there's a very specific sort of interaction involved...

...and another one of the problems (and one of the reasons for that massive hole and a large chunk of my tears) is the fact that interaction of That Sort isn't something I've been getting. Admittedly, after this long denied and after purposely adapting to COPE with said denial it's not something I'm looking for either, but the point is that if it's not there, I'm sure as hell not going to kneel there politely and take anyone else's shit.

As I'm sure you can guess, this makes productive discussion somewhat tricky. *wry grin* Thus the problem.

Right now I'm trying to find other avenues, other ways to release that particular 'bitchy' urge... oh, hell. Why am I censoring this? Who the fuck decided I had to be all sterile and polite in my journal just because I'm trying to behave like a Sane Human Being in everyday life?

Screw political correctness.

I've got enough Domme urge and desire built up right now between how much I've been hurt and how strongly I feel and how infrequently I've been able to get laid, let alone get my kicks on that side of the whip, that I'm going nuts. Therefor I'm looking for other ways and places to let out the overwhelming desire to take some reasonably sane and normal boy and reduce him to a whimpering, cringing, terrified ball of slaveflesh, then draw him back up, hold him, tease him and touch him and lift him and draw him and shape him into someone so perfect that I can barely breathe for the beauty of it, someone I would kill to posess and kill to protect...

...in short, I Hunger.

*shrugs slightly* Thus the story. Thus my confusion. Thus my EXTREME irritation at what is effectively the Period From Hell because it's suddenly piling PMS and even more pain on top of my already overflowing sources of 'inspiration'.

Meh.

Anyway, at least you now have a slightly more complete picture of what's going on and at least some idea of why I'm going half out of my mind and at the same time why I feel better today emotionally than I have since... since the night before my birthday, possibly before that.

I feel as if I'm coming to life.

I feel...

...real.

This is me. Not all of me, not everything, not displayed here right this second... but what you see here, what you can perhaps feel spilling out between the words, what you can sense burning and pulsing and rising until it illuminates everything I am and everything I need with the same overwhelming flame...

...this is me.

This is, to be slightly more accurate, Me.

*grins, spins, and pads off into the shadows*