My last entry... written just after I got back from going to Walgreens with Becca and Ryan, after a few hours of frustration and crossed signals and random snapping on my part and on Ryan's.

Now...

...Becca and Ryan are about to have sex on the bed behind me. We were play-wrestling, she and I and Ryan, with Ryan in the middle facing her, me behind him. Somehow in the course of it she ended up naked and I ended up... jealous.

Seriously, overwhelmingly, mind-bogglingly jealous.

Part of it is that I got laid earlier today, I think. It's the first time in what... more than a month, maybe? The only other times at all in the last few months have been brief, usually anal sex, nothing... nothing lasting, nothign that has stayed with me for long. This wasn't much more but it WAS something, it was GOOD, and it made me realize how little I've gotten for how long. Between my illness and my-and-Ryan's Bad Moodishness, it just hasn't clicked, I guess.

Becca and Ryan... check my updates. It's amazing how often they end up at least fooling around, usually while I'm sitting here on the computer. I'd gotten almost used to it, somehow. Constantly knowing that one of the people I care about is with someone else. Not me. Not even when I'm ~here~, right here. Nothing. I'd started to think it was... normal?

But now I found myself having to literally move away from them when they started getting serious. I knew where it was going - exactly where it is now, both of them naked and moaning and together. I knew where it was going and I was nearly in tears because I couldn't stand the thought of it.

It's still hurting, like knowing someone died a week ago, I don't understand it.

I can't be me around him, I can't manage to make my timing match his often, I can't quite drown myself in him enough to be someone he wants, likes... and I still care so damned much it hurts. I want to be there. I want him. I want here.

I don't know what I want.

I don't understand entirely why I'm feeling so jealous and so hurt about this - it's not rational, it's not normal, and it's certainly neither his fault nor hers. I don't understand why I'm feeling so frustrated, why having him pet me right now feels more confusing than anything else, why I can't decide if I want to run out of the room in tears, or scream at him, or curl up beside him, or what. I don't understand.

I don't understand ME.

Someone pointed out, I think it was Scott, that the more I'm craving one side of things, the more I'm likely to be craving the other side as well. The true curse of this hunger.

It's a HUNGER. All-consuming, all-inclusive.

It's why I want to satisfy it in the way I know I can... then I stop worrying so much about the ways I can't. *shivers*

I just want to be able to relax. I want to be a good mate, a good Mistress, a good partner, a good lover. I don't know if I am right now.

I hate not knowing.

It feels like I'm not being ME and I don't know yet what to do about it.

Dammit, November. You have NO idea how much I am looking forward to November.

I think that right now what would make this... if not better, at least right somehow... I want to be curled up with Caleb. I want to have someone who looks at me the way Ryan looks at Becca, the way she looks at him. I want to be with someone I know will hold me so tight that I won't even imagine him letting go. I...

*blinks* ...I want to feel loved.

I think that was the worst of it, and why I felt jealous. I could see how much they loved each other, and I felt left out of that. I feel like Ryan is just tolerating me. Sometimes affectionate... but I don't have his arms around me in the morning and I don't ever catch him just watching me the way I watch him, the way he used to watch me.

Maybe I'm not so confused after all. Just...

Gods, I want to cry.