"I understand... I understand all the reasons for this, and I still wish I could spare him."

"You won't, though."

"No, I won't."

"Why?"

"*sad smile* Because I love him. I, at least here and now, can act on that love."

*wishes people weren't sleeping so she could put WinAmp on*

The part that hurts most is that I can understand his point of view. Just as I can't agree with it, I can see how he would disagree with mine.

I've learned my lesson well, though. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice, not when so much MORE pain can be spared this way. Not when having this, in any of its aspects, come up afterward would have been so much worse.

*shakes her head* Could I force him? I don't know for sure. I could try, certainly, but what attempt I have already made is as far as I believe it is safe to press it. I could whine and wheedle and plead but what I have already said is enough.

Now that the first round is over, the second round is over, and the third has ended... now, I will not be making another attempt for quite some time. Instead, I'll be trying to explain a bit.

After Torian, I was reminded of something I had let slide... that to Mark someone in any way that is permanent, to make such a claim to them, is frankly pretty stupid if you are reasonably sure that there'll be problems down the road. If you don't trust them and they don't trust you, then there's a point at which you simply can't lay further claim to them. For the moment, that point has been reached with Kadin.

If I do not have his trust... or if I can't trust him... *shrugs*

There's a reason that safewords exist. There's a reason we have one. If he is unable to use it, then there's a problem, yes?

*curls up, wrapping her arms around herself*

If you've been paying any attention at all you've noticed the ongoing Radu exchange, my commentary, the tension there. I've done my level best to put Kadin in situations that test him, that lay him bare, that let me see his limits, his obedience, his intelligence, even his love and trust. Tonight was the culmination, something I'd honestly expected to hit a couple months from now but which he opened up with the first of two posts.

There are things I will never ask of him in 'real life', for what should be fairly obvious reasons. Murder, as a general rule, is on the list - self-defense, of course, is the exception. Tonight, I asked him to kill someone.

A fictional character.

A character that was intended as a form of mirror, a reflection of Kadin, not even a true individual.

I'd actually expected obedience, although I knew the possibility of refusal was there... and if he refused and kept refusing, if it mattered that much to him, I had expected he would use his safeword.

He has refused instead to do either.

Therefor, the Marking will wait.

*shrugs*

It hurts, quite a bit, but better to know this now than to accidentally injure him because he wouldn't use his safeword or to be faced with disobedience when it was truly important that he obey.

Yes, this was, and still is, a truly important situation.

Yes, the situation isn't really going away... he is still mine, I still love him, I would still be miserable without him and still hold him as First, the only change is that I won't brand him. If at some point he has the strength to honestly refuse or sincerely obey instead of simply waffle, that will change... although after a point this particular version of the situation will no longer matter, and another will be waiting, ready to be brought out.

*blinks* This post may still be less of an explanation than is needed. Speaking of which, why didn't I explain this from the beginning, you might ask? The first time, it was a request... there was nothing to explain. The second time, it was an order, which I chose not to explain. The third time, it was clearly explained. If I have to explain in depth every possible reason and rationale I have for each order I give the first time I give it, then there's no real point in even calling them 'orders', they're more discussions. *sighs again*

Now that I have explained, now that the choice has been unmade, refused, three times... I'm not going to offer it again for a while.

I'd thought that he was ready and I was wrong. Kadin, I'm sorry I misjudged the level of your training, your own determination, your emotional state. I wouldn't have arranged such a test if I had been certain, or even 50-50 believing, that you would fail.

Yes, there's a point where too much exercise is TOO MUCH... and that's why I have left this now, why this post will be my last on the subject.

Meh.

...on what I half-suspect of being a guilt-trip note, I would like to add that my emotions are complaining mightily about having to deal with this much sadness two days in a row.

Bah.

Right now the boy's not speaking to me, and I can't really blame him. He's just been put through the wringer, and I know he's as upset as I am - more, most likely, since I at least was aware of what was going on from the beginning and have been trying to steel myself to this possibility since the moment I began testing in earnest.

Funny, half an hour and I already miss him.

*curls up tightly* This is one of those times when I wonder... when I wish that doing the best thing didn't hurt this much.

Maybe some part of me saw this coming and that's why I've been fixated on that damn song for the last couple days.

bang bang
he shot me down
bang bang
I hit the ground
bang bang
that aweful sound
bang bang
my baby shot me down