It'll be another 8 months before I GET treatment.

They want to try different random medications in the meantime.

I'm out of antidepressants and the ones I took aren't doing shit.

I feel... gods, I feel the way I did on the really bad nights when I was 16. I'm so very not doing well and coping? COPING? What the fuck is that?

I want SOMETHING, ANYTHING, that's comforting and safe and numbing. Instead I have suicidal urges that have been going on and getting stronger for several days (Ask Kadin about our little interrupted conversation last night), not enough medication to make it stop, no way to DO anything, to GO anywhere, and I feel like I'm fucking freezing to death. Tomorrow, apparently, Ryan leaves for Pirate Gathering. Without me. He wants to take my flogger and clove oil.

Oh, can'cha just feel the love?

Ice cream, preferrably chocolate but I'm not picky.

Alcohol - I'm beyond caring what kind.

Red meat, not the cheapest brand of pasta sauce from the cheapest store in town and several-month-old pasta shells.

Drugs - right now I'd mainline smack if I had any. Serious, there is NOTHING I could take that would make this work, and my mind is to the point where if I'm taking pills, I at least feel like I'm trying to do something.

I want...

...I wish...

....I wish I'd succeeded what I tried several months ago. Then I wouldn't be stuck having to listen to a doctor who tells me that reading neurological charts is like reading tea leaves, they can read anything into them... that I don't really have seizures, that I'm just crazy... that they can't get me in to test for seizures for eight months... that in the mean time, he can't perscribe anything, ne can make 'suggestions' to Liz, but... yeah.

*twitch*

Even the lorazapam, if I don't take it f'ing often enough, leaves me crashing back down into this so fast it makes me dizzy.

I just want it to be over with.

That's all.

Right now, right this second, I don't have the strength to want anything else.

I just want it to be over with.