Full Of Grace
Previous - this entry written on June 30, 2004 at 4:05 am - Next

the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this...

I like the song a lot. Sarah McLachlan. It's quiet, kinda slow... it just fades into your hearing and thoughts, instead of out of them. It's peaceful. No, I'm not listening to it - I'm actually listening to a song called "Sad Roses". But...

...it's here in my mind, coloring everything. Quiet, faded colors. Watercolor paintings left in the sun for years. The colors that rain turns on a windowpane.

I could say I'm depressed because I've spent a large chunk of the evening in agonizing pain. I could say I'm depressed because my body is bitching, because I can't sleep, because... gods, a hundred reasons, they all contribute, but it's not... geh. The reasons aren't the Reason.

And yes, I know that doesn't make much sense. Just trust me. It won't matter how many things I list off, the underlying Thing is so far beyond such brief problems and worries that it makes them seem almost funny. As funny as pain, worry, frustration, and the knowledge that you may be throwing up a second time at any minute can ever be, anyway.


I was deadly cold earlier, so cold I thought I had a fever. Nope. Then I hit the 'too hot' point, thought I was going to expire from heatstroke or something. Again, nope. Now I'm just sitting here, at a reasonably comfortable temperature, in less pain than I was a few hours ago, a bit of food in my tummy, less dehydrated.

Wide awake.

The thing is, I know that I won't be this depressed once I've slept, or had some chocolate, or talked to someone. I know it's just a passing thing. Somehow, that knowledge makes it worse. It's like having everything destroyed by a tornado when your neighbor's house is untouched. Leaves you feeling as if life is unfair, out of control, and a bunch of other things that life, in fact, IS... you just don't really think about the fact that it is until the unfair and unpleasant things actually are happening to you. This, I know, is just something I have to cope with and get past.

*shrugs* Can ya blame me for wishing I didn't have it to cope with in the first place?

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