Amazing, the things you stumble over and then can't stop thinking about. I ended up bawling through a large chunk of "Butterfly Effect", drinking a very large amount of alcohol afterward, because I remembered quite clearly a large chunk of my past.

No, I haven't had this blocked out. I've known for a fairly long time exactly what happened. I've... geh.

I've had a few unpleasant things happen, and done a few unpleasant things, before I got my head more-or-less straight. My folks... my dad knows, I've talked with him about it a couple times. My mom has a better avoidance mechanism than anyone else I've met, which makes me just a tad suspicious. Something Vallie said, about abuse victims often gravitating, unconsciously, to abusers, kinda struck home. Made me wonder if maybe my mom is so good at blocking things off because she started doing so at a young age. I'd never really considered the idea before but... it does make sense. A LOT of sense.

Suddenly I actually think I'm going to have a very hard time hating my mother from now on. I still don't like how she behaves or a lot of her more stupid and annoying and passive-agressive stunts, but again, suddenly sympathy.

Ever heard "Mary Jane" by Alanis Morisette? That and "Perfect" are a tad too close to my life.

Meh.

I know that a lot of my 'kink' is likely a result of what happened when I was young. Not the only reason, of course - at this point, honestly, I've found a lot of good reasons to continue it or I'd have stopped - but the deep-seated reason, the one that makes the idea of a vanilla relationship almost disgusting, stomach-churning.

Talking with 'Nre, trying to explain something; I think this might help explain it. I have a list of trust issues and odd sexual issues and just General Issues that's a few miles long. If I'm not completely certain that someone is Mine, I have a damned hard time trusting them past a certain point. We've established that. Repeatedly.

Thing is, he and I end up semi-rp'ing situations in which he's playing a clearly submissive role... and I end up feeling sort of confused, not about what I want (that would be him, in case you're unclear there) but about the situation itself. It feels as if, because I can't say with any certainty that he belongs to me, that at some point when I'm trusting him most or depending on him most he's going to disappear. Or perhaps sometime I'll be betrayed, somehow. Or hurt, in a way that only someone that close to me can hurt me. And I won't have the RIGHT to do anything about it.

Since I've already side-tracked myself, let's continue with this, hm? I know my habits pretty well. I have a very clear dividing line in my head between 'people I can hurt, heal, help, and Own', and 'everybody else'. That second category is split into friends, people belonging to friends, people In Authority, and people who can go the fuck to hell for all I care - yes, the last two often overlap. *wry grin* Nreshan... falls right on that line. He's been straddling it for years. Believe me, if I knew how to push him off of it onto the side I want him on, I would have done so... but since I'm not sure, I've spent those years trying not to push him at all, afraid he'd fall the wrong way. I end up feeling like I'm operating an emotional crane machine and I keep dropping the prizes. It doesn't help at all that every time I try to explain this feeling he manages to interpret it as a reason he should stop talking or stop interacting with me, neither of which are at all rational and, in fact, just leave me annoyed and frustrated.

*shrugs slowly* The people I trust, honestly trust, are people that I know if I said 'jump' they'd ask how high on their way up... and argue with me about its importance afterward. With a very VERY few exceptions, these are people I have a proper claim to. Thing is, I DO trust 'Nre; my heart views him as being on one side, my head views him as being on the other, and I end up extremely confused.

Meh.

So yeah, I was reading that entry, thinking about it, thinking about my past... In a lot of ways although I've 'dealt with it' I haven't gotten over it. I don't know HOW to get over it completely, and I'm not sure I want to. I'm afraid that if I try too hard, if I strive to be 'normal', a lot of the pleasures I enjoy, a lot of the talents I have, a lot of ME, will just... disappear. No thanks. I'd rather be screwed up and happy than fixed and miserable.

And yes, despite rantings and confusions and heat and health... I am happy. *soft smile* How many people can actually say that?