Still Burning, Still Cursing, Still Aching, Still Breathing
Previous - this entry written on August 20, 2004 at 7:04 pm - Next

Frustration... so much of it, for so many different reasons, and then this.


Gods, where do I even start?

I'm sitting here staring at a computer screen that already seems bright compared to the darkness of the room around me and the thoughts in my head - the sun hasn't set but the sky is slowly fading to sunset and there's little in the way of lights turned on here in the apartment. I'm hungry - not for food, although I should eat something fairly soon, but for satisfaction. I am starving and the only things that could feed me are unavailable, denied by circumstances that I've little or no control over. The worst of it is that there's a quiet voice in the back of my head reminding me that she warned me this would happen, that it's been overdue and that I did nothing to avoid it, that all of it is going to keep hitting harder and harder and harder until I find some way to feed the cravings or collapse and take the route out of it that... eh. It'll make the need fade for a while, certainly, but it will leave me just a bit more scarred and twisted at the end. I'd rather avoid it.

So what's frustrating me other than that? Unavailability of people I want to hurt. Right there, that's a big one - the hurting, the Hunting, would satisfy much of what I seek so very nicely, but the ones I love enough or hate enough (and it's a fine line there) are all out of reach. The few I can safely and simply hurt with words over a distance I crave too much to want words any more; the ones for whom words would satisfy, I've no way to talk to. It's going to drive me nuts.

Speaking of nuts... *wry grin* read this for the same reason I follow yours, I suspect. Which should tell you much about how I view you still, how I will always view you.

Ghosts that should have been laid to rest long ago... *sighs*

I think I'm going to nuke some leftovers and come back to write more.

*..........15 minutes pass.....................*

Leftovers suck. I have eaten a sammich. Not that you particularly care but hey, I'm honest. At the moment.

I'm also still frustrated at the moment and feeling... well, honestly, feeling like someone not all that safe to be around. Likely I'll end up trying to burn some of this off in EQ - if I can keep myself distracted enough there, if Adesh ends up being at least somewhat satisfying tonight, if I manage to get ahold of some protein that isn't pre-processed and thin-sliced, if if if... if things go well, maybe I'll actually sleep tonight. The last three nights I haven't been able to sleep until 8-9 in the morning, one of them even later than that. It's not being fun - I pass out and don't wake up until around 4-ish. If I'm up that late tonight I may end up just trying to stay awake until tomorrow night, see if I can tweak my sleep schedule back on track. Need to see about getting an amatryptaline refill soon. *sighs softly*

Need to try to keep my mind off certain things. 'Nre. T'lesh. Prey... gods... to be able to Hunt, to have any hope of taking my prey... this weekend is going to be interesting to live through.

I want a way to turn off my mind.

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