Protect Me From What I Want
Previous - this entry written on October 16, 2004 at 3:25 pm - Next


The thing is, I don't even know why I expected otherwise. We've been through this before, we have... I don't know if this is why I stopped talking to him that first time but gods I wish I did, if this has happened twice...

...oh, who am I kidding? If this happened at all, it could have happened a hundred times before. Clearly, trusting is bad. Period. I need to get that into my head once and for all but I keep forgetting.

I wish there were some quick fix, something to make it all ok.

I wish I wasn't crying.

I... gods, this is overload. Someone asked me why I deal with him at all, knowing what I do about him, knowing with this horrible hurtful certainty that he's just going to keep hurting me. I guess the answer is the same one I've used with others, long ago. The same excuse. The same justification. The same stupidity.

He knows how to hurt me... and as long as he didn't, I could believe it was ok, that there was still someone worth trusting in the world.

Some part of me... some part of me, I think, still craves pain, to leave such an easy way to be damaged, KNOWING that it would be easy. A lot of me, most of me, simply desires him. He knows it, or should know it... gods know he seems to use it against me often enough. But this... I don't know why this bit so deep. I've been trying very hard not to let character stuff spill over but this... god dammit, you couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? You couldn't just maybe have a moment of triumph, let me have my guilty pleasure, and LEAVE IT BE? Hell, you might not even see this. I'm fairly sure if you do see it you won't care. It won't matter.

That's what this... that's why this hurts.

You just showed me quite clearly that in your eyes, I am nothing.

I mean nothing to you. I don't matter.

I...

...I'm done. I'm done trying to patch things, I'm done apologising, I'm done trying to make it all ok. I'm not going to tear myself to pieces for you this time... and you aren't bloody likely to do anything either, not likely to care, not likely to try.

So to myself, to a part of myself, I'm leaving something to explain. Something that, this time, will refresh my memory if I forget why I hurt... and I DO hurt, know that. You've succeeded. You've gotten deep enough again to draw blood. Be proud.

Enjoy it.

I won't let it happen again.

Dai pto'vez sa kor�ain, Rahani. Lea koren. Mila'cu... kquen naka. Nreshan sa salas, epeta. Iri sa tharn zair h'lien kiharn Nre. Shalt, Rahani... seria teto, nia sa kor'ain.

Tomorrow this entry gets replaced, assuming I'm awake enough to care. I may not be around much for the next few days. I have something to take care of.

Previous - Next
Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven -
- Do Not Feed The Moose -




Human Pets!

Latest
Older
First

Profile
Cast
Disclaimer

Links
Pants
Porn
Addiction
Blowjobs

Notes
Guestbook

Art
Writings
Bad
Poetry
Collection
The Girls

Old-time
Radio
Techno
VideoSift
The Boxes
#submission

Hosted
at D-land