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Previous - this entry written on December 06, 2004 at 7:37 am - Next Trembling. ...did I really? It was only words, only words, only words... but of all people, I know that words have a power most would not believe. Only words... but I spent an hour with my entire body throbbing, my nipples aching so much I would have sworn someone had been tugging on them, pulling on them, teasing them. It's all, really, only words. Hell, at least it scratched part of the itch. That's one thing that almost never fails, somehow. He draws me down and I am flying. He talks and I hear symphonies. No matter how furious he makes me - and believe me, at times if he were here I would be doing my best to break every bone in his body - there are times like this, when the heat and the ache had been building to a near-unbearable point and suddenly poof. Release. Relief. Restitution, somehow, for everything I hace craved. Repayment for the treatment I can't help but give. Absolution, even, for the secret sins my thoughts are drenched in. Balance. A return to sanity. And yet I am trembling, and know I will be hiding from the world for a while, until I have the strength to once again claim my rightful place. Amazing that anything so satiating could leave me feeling this close to shame. Long hot showers and cool, soft sheets. Hot chocolate laced with vodka, taste of fish and crackers and rich candy, my own juices on my tongue. Music pouring over me, through me, filling me in a way few other things ever could. Pain - nipples, sides, my breasts ache and my hips throb and my head pulses and my jaw burns and I, I feel as if I am near to dying. Pleasure - my cunt is dripping, my nipples rock-hard, my breath catches with each new rise in the music and each thought back to this evening's half-dream, my hands still tremble, my belly still heats. Desire... and while I will admit to it here, tonight, tread warily. I do not accept this desire, not often, not gladly. I can't, not without destroying myself and rebuilding from scratch, becoming something I couldn't bear. I hate the fact that my body and my mind both at times conspire against me, leaving me craving something I despise, something that I would prefer to see from the other side. ...it's too late to stitch up with a butterfly... The thing is, this IS part of what I need, or at least part of what makes the main hungers ease back. My mind tries its best to keep me balanced - if this itch is scratched, the other itches fade as well. Not for long, not for good, not enough... but it's a start. Something to let me hold on just a little bit longer. ...it'll take more than a tournequet this time... So thank you. I guess it's a bit overly-optimistic, to think you'll read this. I still can't tell if you read at all, most of the time. Gods know I update infrequently enough that you're unlikely to check often. No names either, not even the half-jest, half-sincerity of a Name that I have preferred to use for you of late. Still, if you read this, you'll know yourself. Hell, anyone with half a brain who knows me well will at least guess at your identity - who else is this frustrating, this willing to touch a side of me most others rightfully shun, insane enough to give me what I can't ever admit to wanting? Yes, my reprisal will be harsh. Satisfying, for me... gods, so satisfying, you have given me an excuse to take something that even in words, I would not normally risk. I intend to enjoy every second of it. I wonder... do you know what you do? Did you realize that you were satisfying me, that even the repayment for the deed would satisfy me, be more than any other can give me right now? *sighs softly, curling up* Just words. Always, it is just words. Too much distance, too much confusion, too much history, for it to be more, aye? Just words. I'd throw out a couple more words, but they would scare you. Again. Angels and Ministers of Grace Come defend who's been praying I've found you wanting by your weight Who did you think you'd be saving? Then suddenly, you're acting out of the need to be taking someone down More sinned against than sinning, please You're not above my suspicions You're lamb and serpent just like me It's more than just superstition Then suddenly, I'm finding out that it's me you'll be taking down with you Don't try your magic spells on me I know you've been crystal gazing You say your boots are seven league Where 'er you go, I'll be waiting! Hands on the altar for a charming spell (Be sincere with persuasion) Go ask your Goddess if you've served her well (She'll be climbing higher now) Tie a knife with a ribbon, with a red, red, ribbon Raise a hand-held mirror to the light of the moon With a secret garden and a heart unhardened, strike a specter's bargain with a ritual brew Book and candle is natural to those pure and simple Tie a knife with a ribbon, with a red, red, ribbon... Thank you. I needed that. ...damn, and I'm STILL wet. Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
