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Previous - this entry written on December 11, 2004 at 7:38 am - Next  ...but you cut too deep, too often... Here's to sadistic urges gone horribly astray. Here's to a confused young girl? boy? whatever, crouched in a shower, whispering. Here's to the feel of a hundred tiny fingers against skin. ...you tear out my soul and watch as I bleed... Here's to denying death, utterly and completely, refusing to allow it. Here's to kissing someone when they knock on your door for the first time. Here's to Godzilla movies and alcohol. ...it'll take more than a tournequet this time... Here's to not-so-abandoned paths in a public park. Here's to blood on white rose petals. Here's to waiting for an ambulance to arrive and take away a friend. Here's to watching your heart tear itself apart mindlessly and foolishly over someone who really doesn't care. ...I still recall the taste of your tears... Here's to the little poking sticks diabetics use to get blood for their testing strips. Here's to having love turn to dust and ashes. Here's to the women who make you sick, the men who make you furious, the people who make you wish you, or they, or both, were dead. ...back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now... Thing is, really, it's NOW that I am confined. I'm trapped by my own promises and weaknesses, trapped here, trapped as I am, unable to find my footing. I don't know who I am any more, some days. We're going to have company in less than 24 hours and it terrifies me rather than making me happy as it should. I try to be approving and accepting and forgiving and instead I just hurt and hate and hide. ...I just want something I can never have... But then, that's always how it's gone. Didn't I say so? Didn't I say, way back at the beginning, that this was... was just another? Just. Only. Merely. Gods, I can't even use those words with complete honesty. I feel like I'm sinking again, tumbling down into a depression I thought I had successfully fought my way beyond, sinking into a form of misery I had almost forgotten. I wouldn't mind being down to just one thing. Right now, I'm down to nothing. It's a weakness, this addiction. This need. It IS a need, though. Without it... Without it, I die. That, incidentally, is why I would have shunned you were you here, boyo - to touch you and not feel what I crave would tear apart the last bits of sanity I'm clinging rather precariously to. ...say thay love you but they're laughing when you crawl... Maybe I can sleep. I'll try. Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
