Red Blooded Woman
Previous - this entry written on June 05, 2005 at 5:35 pm - Next
*sighs softly* Gods... where do I start? I am a switch. Have been, always have been, always will be, that's just... how it is. I have a serious... addiction... to submission and masochistic acts. If I don't have someone to be the cruelty, the darkness, in my life... then I FIND someone. And when I go too long without I stop getting choosy, get into trouble... the longer I fight it, the more likely I am to end up falling prey to something bad. Better to find a reasonably safe source of viciousness, to get my fix somewhere that won't screw up the rest of my life, right? Here's the catch:
I'm a Domme. Yep. I can't give up the pleasure, the satisfaction, the thrill, of owning someone. I need that sadistic joy, that control, I need to be able to take care of those I treasure, to hold them, to know they are Mine. I cannot and will not go without that. And it's damned hard to find a pet willing to serve a slave, or a Master willing to own someone who isn't always the sweet little sub. Hard? Fuck that. It's damned near impossible.
...I can't focus, I can't stop
you've got me spinning 'round
I can't focus, I can't stop
you'll never get to heaven
if you're scared of getting high...
I have Caleb. My Caleb. My boy. My love. My mate. My husband. I've lived with him on and off for what, six years now, seven? Something like that. He is my rock.
I have Kadin. Kadin Jasan Raven, my once-First, my delight, my kitten. I love him. I need him. I miss him. I crave him. He always has a place in my bed, my heart, and my life... and, if he wishes, my collar.
I have Nreshan. Lonely, alone... do I really 'have' him? We're never really sure. It's a thing. This... is fodder for another entry all of its own but I do have him and I'll be damned if I'm letting what bits I have go. Not gonna happen. My War Wolf. MINE. Hear that, universe? You want him? Fuck off, he's mine.
And now, the two that have come into my life most recently. The two that alternate between being everything... and tearing me apart.
I have Zian. Yes, Zian... trembling, shuddering, reacting, nervous, confused Zian, always set in motion. Everything, every touch, every new discovery, every moment, every problem, sends him trembling again... and gods, the thrill of holding him, of soothing him... he says he feels like he is a problem and admittedly he does require a lot of attention... but I love giving it. *purrs softly* He... since I claimed Kadin, he is the first, the only, that has come even close to satisfying those same needs. Symphony. Wolf. My cat, my pet, my boy. He could be, and IS, so much... but one thing he is not, yet, is confident. Everything makes him fearful that this will fall apart or that somehow it's going to go wrong, that he has done something wrong, that I'm going to leave... *wry grin* ...Zian indeed. He's wrong though. I'm not going to leave. He is Mine, he gave himself to me, and I do not relinquish a claim lightly.
Then there is Inari. Lyle. My... Master. There isn't another word for it, not one that really fits. He scratches that darker itch, the need to submit, the need for an anchor at times. He is one of the few people I have ever met who can effectively guide my dreamwalks and he enjoys my dreamwalking... if you've been around a while you know how damned rare this is, most people just ignore it or don't think much of it. He... hmm. Here's the best way to explain this: in my head, he has replaced Rhett. He wants a lot. If I let him, I know he would take everything I can give... and I do mean EVERYTHING. But he is honest, and has proven trustworthy so far. He doesn't interfere with my dealings with my boys.
A couple days ago, I was really out of it, drugged, dizzy, in pain, and about to have a seizure. If I hadn't given him my submission, likely I wouldn't have listened when he suggested I go to bed. As it was, I did... and it was good, 'cos I had a lovely little seizure. Would I have been ok if I hadn't listened? I don't know.
Zian doesn't know if he can trust me, can submit to me, if I sometimes need someone else to be strong for me. I don't entirely blame him - I distrust weakness in other people too. However... if I refused to go to a doctor when I was sick, would that be proof I was strong? Or just proof I was stupid? Sometimes I need the peace Inari offers. I can admit that I need it... and I can get it from someone who will not try to separate me from those I need to protect, and who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would take care of them if they needed help and I could not protect them.
Yes, I know that. Am certain. Just as I know that if Kadin needed something, Caleb would help him, and vice versa... I know that if one of my boys asks Inari for anything, he WILL give it, because he knows they are part of me... and if he asks them for anything, that they WILL give it, because he is part of me.
If I wasn't certain that the few times when I am injured, or ill, or being submissive, that those I trust enough to be near would take care of those who I can't be with... well, then I wouldn't trust them, would I? There's a very short list of people I am comfortable submitting to, even in play, on a physical level... because I NEED to know that I can take care of Mine. The only ones I will give my submission to, will trust to help me take care of that need, are the ones who help, rather than interfere.
That... I never entirely understand why this is so unclear to others. Why they seem to think that just because I am not directly interacting with them right that second, that I like someone else more. Why they view my love for Person A as denying love to Person B. That's not how it works.
So. Pay attention, guys. I'm talking to you, here. Hitting you upside your collective head.
YOU. ARE. ME.
Help each other. Care for each other. Respect each other. I promise you, I will hold you all close, I will not let you go, will not give you up, will not run, will not hide, will NOT leave... unless you hurt part of me. ANY part of me. Body. Mind. Heart. Soul. You.
Not letting you go.
Not leaving you.
Not trading you in.
Not choosing someone else over you.
Not wanting someone else more than you.
You are what I need - ALL of you - and if you leave it's your choice but I will do my best to pull you back because I NEED you. All of you. I am not complete if half of the things that define my existance and keep me from going completely bugfuck nuts Just Aren't There.
*sighs softly, shaking her head* Not giving any of you up, not for anyone, not even for each other, do you see that, do you UNDERSTAND that? This is one place where I HAVE no weakness, where I. Will. Not. Bend. My mates. My loves. My lovers. My friends. My pack. My theunren. My soul - you ARE my soul, the reasons I keep breathing, wake up, sleep well, the things that make me smile even when the pain of life is so great I can barely stand it.
I know sometimes it's hard to remember this. Sometimes all you can see is your own point of view, you don't see that I'm not ignoring YOU, I'm just too tired or sick to be online or talk to ANYONE. You don't see that I am looking at you adoringly... but that I am able to look at you, to relax, focus on you, because someone else is sitting at my back, watching behind me so I don't have to. That's the idea, you see. I know that what I ask, what I need, from you is a LOT. But you're not alone, you're NOT the only one who has to be there. If I do sometimes show weakness, there will be someone there to catch me, and you... and if necessary, I trust YOU to be the one to catch me, to hold me close, just as I hold you.
*sighs again* It's always so clear in my head, this part. It always makes so much sense, seems so right... I wish I could find more words for it.
I know what I want and I need. When I find it, I'm not letting it go. Not happening.
Zian, Inari, Kadin, Caleb... I can't express enough how important it is to me that you talk to each other. I don't want to be the go-between, I don't want to see you sulking and pouting and saying 'but he said'. If something bothers you, tell the person involved. Please. And understand that if you do have disagreements, if sometimes you do get stressed out and upset and hurt... I'm still here. I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere.
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