Let It Burn, Let It Bleed, Let It Fall
Previous - this entry written on June 11, 2005 at 10:43 am - Next
...what have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end...
...you could have it all, my empire of dust
I will let you down
I will make you hurt...
"...you're probably tired of hearing this, and of reading this, and I sympathize, I would be too.. I would have stopped listening along time ago... I would have "accidentally" not logged into MSN or AIM..."
And yet every time I'm even able to stand looking at a computer screen, MSN is on. Every time I'm even remotely awake, able to function, I AM there. *sighs softly*
...if I could start again a million miles away...
If the last few weeks have felt like a punishment I assure you, it's not how they were intended. I've made a point of planning times to be with you. Trying to find out how you're doing. Making sure I'd be here... planning days in advance to be around and awake and conscious even if it meant hurting, the day of your practical, just so I'd be able to talk to you afterward and hear how you did, be there for you if it went poorly and hug you and praise you if it went well. I've tried, over and over, to find you online. Often when I do, you're tired, or busy yourself, and don't have much time. Your classes have gotten hella hectic and that's where your attention SHOULD be, not worrying about me, not assuming every time I'm not specifically talking to you and online with you that I'm off with Inari, or ignoring you, or gods know whatever other paranoid theory you've developed that day, and YES, I am a bit tired of hearing it... not because I'm tired of hearing YOU but because I know that what you keep feeling isn't how it is and I don't know how to show you that...
*sighs softly* I want you to see how much I care... but when I'm already giving you as much time and attention as I CAN, how the hell am I supposed to give you more? Every other day lately has been spent curled up in bed, hurting, tired... half my time for the last few weeks has been spent drugged out of my MIND because it's either that or do nothing but cry for hours because it hurts so much. I honestly don't know what else to do, pet. I'm frustrated because I DO care, because I DO want to spend time with you and make sure you feel as cared for, as treasured, as you are. I'm frustrated because I'm NOT ignoring you, I'm going out of my way to do what I can to be there for you, but it's still not enough.
"I'm not asking for much.. I'm not asking for complete undivided attention all the time.. I'm just asking for some.. to be the center of your attention every once in awhile... To get your focused attention everyonce in awhile..."
And yet when I give it, when I know I've been giving it, going out of my way, refusing to talk to other people so I don't get distracted, concentrating on you... you don't see it. You don't feel it.
"I'm not going to compete with Inari... if you want that.. if you want me to struggle and fight against him for your attention, I'm not going to do it..."
What. The. Fuck. Have I not made a point, repeatedly, of trying to get the two of you talking, of trying to show you that it's NOT a competition, that you are mine? Or did that get missed too, somewhere in all of this?
Yes. 24 hours of what is, from my point of view, a mild punishment. Given for something that was outright, actual, specific disobedience that resulted in me feeling sick to my stomach for a considerable length of time. Would you rather I had ignored it, ignored you, not cared enough to bother? Or if I'd done that, would you be bitching about that now, saying you didn't feel owned enough, that I didn't care? Can I fucking WIN, anywhere, any way, in all of this? 'cos it's honestly starting to seem like I can't, little one. Like it doesn't matter how much I try or how much I do, it's not enough. I'm sure you understand how that feels.
It's Saturday. 11:00 my time, so... what, about 2:00 there? I'm online. I woke up all of about 20 minutes ago and have been online since the moment I woke up. You're not here - is this my fault too, is this me not being there for you?
*sighs again* ...yeah. I'm being harsh. Defensive. Angry, even. I'm tired, pet. I'm miserable because I feel like I'm failing you and I don't know how I can possibly make it better.
Whether you believe it or not, I AM here. *shrugs* Have been. Will be.
...in this whirlwind
I am sinking
In this silence
In this whirlwind
In this silence
I... gods. Maybe you're right. Maybe I simply am not enough for you, maybe you'd be better off walking away, maybe even though I think I'm doing everything I can, I'm not, somehow. Maybe I'm failing you. Maybe I'm hurting you. Maybe I'm not here at all.
Hell, maybe that's the solution right there. I mean, if I'm not there for ANYONE, if I just don't exist, it's not like I'm singling you out then, is it? Not ignoring you - I'm not here to ignore anyone. Not hurting you - I'm not here to be ABLE to hurt anyone. Maybe that's what I need to do.
If nothing else... I can join you in one thing, at least.
*goes off to look for something sharp* Screw hurting other people. I think I'll hurt myself for a change. It's not like it can make this any worse. It might be a relief.
I never promised I wouldn't do this, after all. Internal agreements don't count.
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