Addicted To Suffering
Previous - this entry written on September 04, 2005 at 2:04 pm - Next


It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me


I am going to go fucking mad. This... hurts. I need. And I can't fucking have. Goddammit, yet another I Should Have Known Better moment, I'm getting sick of these. At least this one is entirely my fault. After all, knowing someone's going to be a fucking tease, if I can't put up with it I should just avoid them, hmm? Not purposely keep them close. My own fucking fault and believe me, that actually makes it a bit easier to deal with, but DAMMIT, I'm going to start screaming here soon if I can't get what I need. There are exactly three people who might, MIGHT, be able to give it. Two are offline and one's busy. Fuck this. Fuck this ALL.

And before some genius starts making assumptions, no, this is NOT my masochism talking... not the usual masochism anyway. If anything, this is sadism, pure and simple. And there's jack-all I can do about it. Damned if I know why the fuck I listened, believed even for a MOMENT, when he said he wouldn't begrudge me a bit, when he said he'd let me have a portion of what I needed, when he claimed that I could get a fix. I knew better. I knew this would happen. It's why I had been trying so hard not to even think about this...

...but he kept saying... and I kept wanting, more and more and more... but when I finally couldn't resist any more, what happened?

Nothing. No satisfaction. No relief. No pleasure. Nothing to feed off of, nothing to satiate me, NOTHING.

Wish I hadn't known this was coming. ...I need a fix, I can't take it, just one more hit...

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