A bit too much thought at 4:00 in the morning...
Previous - this entry written on September 26, 2005 at 3:51 am - Next

Where do I begin?

I could tell you about how unnerved Nreshan makes me. He's here in California right now, just a few hours' drive away, with plans already forming to come crash here for a while when his job that brought him out here is finished. We've talked more on the phone these last few days than we have in the entire rest of the time I've known him. I've never met him in person. He's never seen anything even resembling a recent picture of me. Self esteem? What's that? Hell, I have less than he does some days and he spends 90% of his time insulting himself. I'm so nervous it's making me physically ill to try to think about it. It shouldn't - normally I'm a 'take me or leave me' kind of girl, and gods know he's stuck around this long, he's... oh, who am I kidding? Every time he manages to brat out enough to have me hanging up first, every time I find myself staring at the ceiling wondering why the hell he's still around, every other time I talk to him, I Doubt. I'm overweight, frequently ill, with ragged hand-cut hair and eyes that wander as often as my hands do. I'm strange. I'm odd. I'm...

...acting like some girl just before her first date. It's stupid. It's mind-bogglingly stupid. And it doesn't help that he won't fucking SAY anything even remotely encouraging. Every time I find myself needing words, every time when it would be ok if he'd just say something to let me know he wasn't just killing time, that it was... I don't know. That it all meant something. I feel like I'm what he does when no one else is around and that's NOT the relationship I'm looking for.

Sudden sympathy for Puppy... but then, he at least knew what he was getting into. Never a pretense that it was otherwise. Nre... with his lyrics and his half-said hints of emotion and his goddamned growly honey-and-smoke voice that makes me melt... with his years of being there, being someone who at least occasionally understood... with his own Differences, with his loneliness, with the fact that he's waited this long... Nre keeps seeming as if, maybe, there's more.

But he's not mine, is he? He doesn't care. He refuses to belong. He won't let me in. And honestly, the closer it comes to a certainty, the more I realize that without at least that small reassurance of words, there's no way I'm letting him near me. I want to; I want to meet him, to take him, to touch him, to finally get to taste his skin and watch him breathe and show him just how far I want to go, how much he means, how intensely I desire him, what I see in him. I want to show it all to him. I can't.

I'm a coward, sometimes.

This, friends, is what love does to you. Because yes, I love the boy a bit. I have for years now; he knows it, I've said it occasionally, hinted at it often enough as well. There's just enough affection that the thought of this all... disappearing... hurts.

However. This... isn't something I'll negotiate on any more. If he isn't mine... if he doesn't come here as Mine, knowingly, willingly, SAYING it, even just once...

...then this is it. *shrugs* I never promised to keep him if he didn't want to be kept. I never promised to break him if I couldn't use him as he was. I never promised to care, if he refused to do so. I never will.

Been a while since I wore these boots around him.

That's not all there is, though. I've been avoiding - seriously, heavy, constantly-with-much-effort, avoiding - sex with Inari. Well, our version of it... which is like cyber, and phonesex, and a few other things, combined. If you know me you know what I'm talking about. At any rate, I've been backpedalling and doing everything I can to avoid it, without really understanding why. I've played with Ryan, with Nick, played long and hard and... well. In some ways, given them more than I've given Inari. This can't be right. I'm falling back into familiar patterns, sharing myself more directions than I really SHOULD. Inari's my Master... right? Right?

If he is, why can't I bring myself to give him the full submission I know he deserves?

Don't get me wrong, I love him. I know that part of me, unhesitatingly, is his. A part of me chimes like a bell just at the sound of his voice, would do anything to remain with him. But... something... still isn't right. Something's missing. I am rebelling, in ways that I know he won't see and can't catch. I feel almost angry, when he demands my time and attention. I'd rather be lost in WoW, talking with pets, with people I know I control. Undemanding. People I can walk away from, can say 'no, gonna go play with THIS person now' without having to explain, without feeling guilty.

Radu. Puppy's gotten a LOT of my time and attention lately, more than I'd ever really planned to give him, that's for sure. A couple of times when both Radu and Inari were online, on the same server with me, I found myself... cringing... at Inari's snuggly comments and 'love' talk. Wanting Radu's calmness, his biting humor, his unwavering submission. Wanting to see Inari there at my feet, kneeling beside Radu. Wanting to see Radu standing over him, even. Wanting... gods, I don't even know WHAT I wanted. Just that I wasn't getting it, not from Inari. Then again, what I'm getting from Puppy isn't... isn't something I would honestly be HAPPY having from Inari. It's only right from the one who I already know is a scrap, a toy. The one I am certain of. The one...

...oh dear lord, the one I trust.

Shoot me now.

Seriously. This isn't right.

I don't want whining, I don't want smothering, I don't want demands and someone grunting and shoving into my body. I want a mouth on my foot, hair between my fingers, whispered words, promises of a beauty that I can take, touch, can drain and savor and draw out to be taken again and again... Raven speaks, and the rest of us here inside my head shudder and fall silent, because her madness is finally outvoting us all.

Go look for the lyrics for "Cry or Cum" by Holly McNarland. I'm too tired to quote them here.

I've spent several late nights talking to the puppy. I've spent hours crying on Ryan's shoulder, as it were. I've spent days remembering just how perfect for me Nick was, is. I've spent time missing 'Nre, and cursing him when I finally get to talk to him. I've hidden from Inari, knowing it would take time for him to find me, savoring the stolen minutes. I've pushed Caleb out of bed, masturbated rather than fucking him, or anyone. Quiet orgasms, mouth against the pillow, body tensing silent and the rush of blood... then a towel, a glass of soda, and the moment forgotten. Wiped away. I feel like I'm trying to replace what Kadin can't and won't be for me with what Radu shouldn't be and Inari could never be. I feel like if I don't get this straightened out I'll never get a good night's sleep again.

I feel like a three-day drinking binge is a good idea, and I hate feeling like that.

I'd say it's just hormones but my period is over, has been over for days, and the feelings just keep getting stronger.

I really don't know what to say, or do. I'm tired of hiding. I'm writing this out so I CAN'T keep hiding, so I'll have to sit down and work this out. No more avoiding it. Something's wrong and I NEED TO DEAL WITH IT.

Wish I knew what it was.

...this is real, real pain...

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