Not Really Goodbye... Not Yet... I Hope...
Previous - this entry written on October 10, 2005 at 2:13 am - Next

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right


And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Late night depression again. Puppy and Caleb are sleeping; likely Nreshan's doing the same. Don't know what Kadin's doing... haven't asked. Afraid he'll tell me.

I... ehh. I'm dreaming, and remembering, and I don't know where I'm going from here. I guess tonight, like every other night, I'll cling to what I've got and try to be happy with it. Most days, honestly, I am. Most days I know just how good I have it, my boys, my loves, my life.

Most days.

And then the late-night blues hit and I can see the gaping chasm that I'm hovering over and it's all I can do to keep breathing.

I'm a greedy bitch.

Selfish. Demented. Perverse, perverted, pessimistic, full of pride and self-loathing and a destructive streak a mile wide. Kinky, cruel, foolhardy and full of the dust that's left when dreams shatter.

You know, talking to him tonight, briefly, it was all I could do not to turn my words to a blade. I wanted so badly to say that his offer wasn't one I would accept... that the fact that he offered it at all meant he was already mine, that I would rather he simply submitted now, saved me the pain, let me regain my strength... let me use him, drain him, the way he drained me, until I felt satiated and safe again. That maybe then, I would give him back what he wanted. That until then, he had nothing to bargain with. That the only promise, the only 'offer' I would accept was his submission. Now. Completely.

I don't know if it's true. I don't know if tomorrow I will feel differently. I don't know if, faced with such words, he would turn and run... or bow his head... or argue, or cry, or curse me, or not say anything. I don't know.

...I want what's yours and I want what's mine... I want you...

...but no. I'm not giving in this time. Right now, I can't risk being hurt a third time. Not for love, not for anything. Maybe in a while. Maybe when I've rebuilt my walls yet again, patched myself back together. Maybe, if I could believe he meant what he offered, wasn't just using it as bait to get me back where he can hurt me again.


Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

...I don't know.

I hate insomnia. I need another drink.

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