Wow - copied from a DevArt Journal update of mine
Previous - this entry written on October 19, 2005 at 9:13 pm - Next

...over 9,000 pageviews... a watch list big enough that I literally can't keep up with it... a watched-by list that has my jaw dropping... and still seriously wary of DevArt's politics and staff. *sigh* I'm keeping my eye on what :devjark: posts, watching the support groups, checking forums when I can... don't know what to say. I mean, obviously I'm still here... I feel almost guilty about that, but dammit, this is still Home for my art and for me.

Nreshan. Heh. Nreshan, my boy, someone I've known for nearly seven years. Virgin... until this week. *broad grin* Yes, I've now had another one, and enjoyed it intensely, and treasured every second of it, and I miss him already. He flew back to his work site early this afternoon, will be flying home - across the country - tomorrow, and I don't know when I will see him again... but I WILL see him again. He's Mine. I... heh. I doubt, sometimes, particularly with people I rarely see or have never met or... you get the idea.

After this last week, I can't doubt him. Not when I have the memory of his eyes staring into mine, the taste of him still on my lips, the feel of his body beneath mine, the way his voice breaks when he finally gives in, begs, pleads... how beautiful the word 'Mistress' is when it is coming from his lips... the sweet sight of him trembling, curled up, helpless... the soft sounds he makes when he sleeps... the chime of metal against metal that the steel chain locked around his throat rings out with every time he moves...

...he IS beautiful. He's got the mouth of an angel... take a look at Orlando Bloom's mouth structure, his jaw line and cheekbones. 'Nre's mouth is similiarly shaped and he holds it well. Nice lips, not too narrow, not too full. Beautiful eyes - he has lashes any woman and most gay men would KILL for, and his eyes are deep... very deep. His skin is unbelievably soft - I may have to switch to using Dove soap, to see if it'll do the same for me, 'cos DAMN what it does for him is incredible. His hair is short, kept short enough that I can't get a hold on it - not that I mind, it just means I have to grab him other places, but I'd love to see what he looks like with his hair grown out somewhat, shaggy, falling in his eyes... love to see it slick with sweat, tears on his cheeks, the corners of his mouth raw from having a gag forced in painfully far...

...yeah. Ahem. *fond smile* He is beautiful. Slender and lithe, he moves with the assurance of someone who has done manual labor, he knows his own strength and knows how to keep his body from tripping over itself most of the time. He knows too, now, that I am strong enough to pin him down, force him to whatever position amuses me, and hold him there. We had quite the tussle or two, at first, establishing that. *grin* Quite pleasurable. Quite intense.

It is occurring to me that I should copy this post to my other journals. I think I will. I just... yeah, I was here, the words are flowing. And I miss him.

He was only here for a few days - arrived Thursday night, left Wednesday at noon, not even a full week. But it was enough. Enough time to make sure I was the first woman he had... and oh did he have me. *shiverpurr* I am still a bit sore in places most girls wouldn't even think of letting someone in. Enough time to have him sober, drunk, and drugged. Enough time to walk into his head and carve my name on his psyche. Enough time to turn him into a cat, my cat, for a few hours... unable to talk, unable to react as a human would, so drug-addled and mindfucked that all he could do was crawl and scratch and yowl and stare... some part of him awake and conscious and watching the whole process, but unable to affect it. I had told him that I would take away his control, that I would show him his body belonged to me. I think I did so. I know it was an experience he won't easily forget. *grin* Hey Nreshan... what are you?

Yes. I spent hours stroking his hair, his face, his throat, petting and lightly scritching, tracing his skin, while I Questioned him. It's a series of questions-and-answers, spoken over and over, the order changed but the answers always the same. It can, slowly, work its way into your head. Eventually it can get to the point of being automatic, the answers coming out even if you try to hold them back - I didn't have anywhere near enough time to get him to THAT point but I know I got deep enough that like many other things, he won't be forgetting them easily. He knows what he is. He knows who he belongs to. He felt his world, his life, held for a moment in my hands... his breath stolen away, his strength drained, his body twisting helpless beneath me... trying to please, trying to exist, desperate for mercy... *another slight shiver of pleasure, her eyes dark*

Beautiful. He was truly beautiful.

I spent a lot of the time thinking about Kadin, while 'Nre was here. Remembering... comparing and contrasting the two, using what I'd learned from my slow training of my kitten to teach a thing or three to my lovely cat. I miss Kadin a lot too. This... helped, though. A reminder that although there are some things, some ways, where there is no one who can compare with him, I can still take intense satisfaction, pleasure, I can still... sate my hungers... with others. With Nreshan.

So expect to see more art now. I'm no longer nervous, no longer worried about planning for his arrival, no longer distracted by his presence, no longer in the middle of six drama-fests at once. Life is settling again. The dust is falling, the curtain's closed for the moment on the main stage, all that's left is a single spotlight here or there. I've got a lot of emotion needing to be poured out, now... and it's going into Photoshop. I'm looking forward to seeing what I can produce.

And if this entry was a bit TMI, sorry. *wry grin* I write about what matters to me.

Nreshan matters.

He matters a LOT.

I love him.

For those interested, a photo of an inkjob I did on his chest can be found here. There'll be more pieces posted as I get both time and the inclination to do so. *smile*

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