Love Is Just A Blood Sport
Previous - this entry written on November 29, 2005 at 4:19 pm - Next
Nreshan, your timing could possibly have been worse, but it would have taken work. I...
...I think perhaps I have been careful of your feelings for a bit too long. You seem to have forgotten that I can wound. Not sure what I mean? Here, enjoy:
I am pregnant. It shouldn't have happened, shouldn't be f'ing possible, and yet. Not only am I pregnant but I am pretty damn sure it's yours; if Caleb could have gotten me in this state he would have a hundred times over by now. I've been trying my best to not stress about it, trying to just relax and do things I enjoy, trying not to worry, not to be frustrated or angry, not to take it out on anyone except maybe puppy, and that only 'cos hey, I make his life hell anyway.
I love you. You know that, or should know it. You've said you love me.
And yet instead of being supportive, you've gotten distant. Instead of being there to talk to, being decent company, even just being a reasonably well-behaved pet, every time we've gone to play dota together within the first game you're yelling. Usually at me. Often over little shit that isn't going to win or lose the game, that doesn't even MATTER, but you think it's necessary to shout and snark at me. I'm having a hard enough time not crying lately, between hormones and stress and worry, and now?
Now I've spent the last few days wanting to cry - and more often than not actually crying, tears I can't fucking stop - every time I talk to you.
So today, it was enough. I snapped. Said I wanted - expected - an apology. Did I get one? Did I get ANYTHING? No. I got fucking silence, for the span of a game, then you announcing that the game sucked and you were going afk. Coming back to leave a brief snark on AIM and disappearing.
Fuck that. If you can't even be civil for the length of a game, I won't bother playing with you. If you can't communicate politely, if you can't at least pretend to care, then you can fuck off. Now, more than ever, I don't have the patience for this. I am not going to let myself be made even more miserable by a boy who can't behave, doesn't care jack shit about me, is inattentive, rude, disobedient, frustrating... *sighs, shaking her head* ...you just stopped being worth this, Nreshan. You knew what I wanted, needed, to hear, and you kept silent.
I think that about says how much I matter in your world. Perhaps it's time for me to see if I can feel the same way about you. Stop caring. Stop responding. Stop even wondering if you exist.
Yeah, I'm pissed. But honestly, not much. There's not much anger left, that burned out quickly.
All that's left is pain.
You hurt me, Nreshan. Over and over and over, and I can't even retaliate without you either throwing a fit and sulking, or just... wandering off.
You hurt me.
Not many people can do that any more.
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