The title of the book I'm reading is oddly appropriate tonight.
Previous - this entry written on December 30, 2005 at 9:40 pm - Next



...honesty... Makes me wonder which part you were reading - because only the memory of a nearly-perfect past is the part that involves you, as far as I know. The one I'm angry at... is not you, or Nreshan, or Nick, or Caleb, or Puppy. Not anyone you'd see much of online, for that matter. But the past... the memories...

...maybe a bit of the wishing...

...aye. That's you. And that's me, dreaming of a conversation with you that never happened, and waking up to realize that It Really Is Over, and coping with it as best I can in the middle of a full-blown, multi-day panic over something else entirely and a ranging arguement with someone I shouldn't even be speaking to.

I realized just how long you'd known, and I'd known, that it was over. How much of our interaction, for how long, was just us going through the motions. How much, even now, is just that. It's... it's like looking up at just the wrong moment during a play and seeing the wires holding Peter Pan. I can't believe any more.

I love you, kitten, have for a very long time and likely always will. I know that if you could come back to me, could be mine again, could be Mine again, then - honestly - it would have already happened. The point for it is past and then some. All that's left is friendship, and mild affection, and enough care that neither of us wants to hurt or offend or drive away the other but not enough care to make there be solid reasons to stay close. You... asked? leave, a long time ago, and I said yes. The pet I dreamed of, even longer ago than that, doesn't exist. Hasn't existed. And - again, honestly - is easier to remember fondly if I keep myself convinced he never existed.

I'm sorry, love. If you want to talk, any time I'm online I'll be glad to try. I think, though... I think it would be best if you stopped trying to find a way to come back, stopped worrying about it, stopped thinking of it as an option. Friendship, and love, at least one form of it... that still seems real. Anything else is just dreaming.

*smiles a bit wryly* I know you're strong enough to finish what you started. I promise I'll do my best to make it as easy as possible. And I'm sorry I haven't done so until now, sorry I've been wishing for the moon. I do love you. I want... I would be happier if I could be certain that none of my words, none of my rants, could even really affect you any more. *shrug*

I don't know what else to say.

On an unrelated note, I got through the procedure, I'm in a bit of pain but it's BETTER now, feels... healthier... and I'm going to be fine physically... other than the agonizing pain bit, yes.

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