Dreaming Of The Only Family I Want
Previous - this entry written on January 21, 2006 at 1:58 am - Next

Search your heart
Search your soul
And when you find me there
You'll search no more...

...you know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you...

Odd mood. If I could... well, right now my wishes are simple. A large room, fireplace along one wall, windows and a windowseat along a second, huge dark wood bookcases lining a third and part of a fourth, door in the fourth. The wall with the fireplace would have windows as well. All the windows would have heavy curtains on them, thick old-school velvet curtains, going all the way down to the floor where possible.

Big rug in front of the fire. Several big overstuffed armchairs, and a comfy sofa big enough for one person to lay down easily. A stereo, discreet, speakers half-hidden behind knicknacks on the shelves. Lighting not-too-bright, but illuminating the room nicely.

Several laptops hooked up, wireless connections to the house 'net connection, all of them on the floor near the edges of the rug. Caleb, Kadin, Nreshan, Torian and Radu all sprawled out on the rug and the floor, cushions stolen from the window seat beneath them, gaming, surfing the web, whatever. Cups of hot chocolate beside them, half-empty. A fresh pot of hot chocolate heating on a moveable metal hook swung out over the fire. A small table beside the sofa with another cup of hot chocolate on it.

I'd be curled up on the sofa, a book in hand, half-awake, not even really paying much attention to the story... drowsily watching my pets, listening to them talking, being able to see that they are all safe, all ok, well-fed and in good health, warm by the fire while it's raining cats and dogs outside. The scent of dinner would still be in the air, red meat and thick brown gravy and fresh-baked pie. The rain would be loud on the windows, rattling on the roof, splashing out of the spouts on the gutter.

There would be a cat, tabby-striped, fat and clean, curled up on one of the chairs, looking smug even while sleeping. Every now and then he would open one eye, looking over the room... and eventually he'd wake, hopping down off the chair and wandering over to pester first one boy, then another, demanding attention. I'd laugh, call him over to the sofa, and lift him up. We'd curl there, both of us, him purring, me smiling, content.

Occasionally one of the boys would do much the same - pause his game, or stop reading whatever page had caught his attention, or afk from his conversations online, and pad over. Nuzzle at me. Make those lovely tiny little pleased noises when I petted him, my fingers in his hair, feeling his warmth, happy that he's there where I can pet him, touch him, reassure myself that he's real. A few minutes of that, and he'd go back to the computer, happy.

It would rain all night; eventually we'd head to bed, each of the boys in their own bed in the room they slept in, one door leading out of it, one door connecting to my bedroom, Torian in a similar room that also opened into mine... perhaps I would let one of them sleep with me, snuggled up beside me, perhaps I would open the door, so I could see them sleeping, hear them breathing. I would fall asleep in this house, our house, secure in the knowledge that in the morning they would still be there. Tomorrow perhaps we'd go out, or have company over... but tonight, just us, just this odd family, and really that's all I need.

That's what I'll be dreaming of tonight.

*shrugs slightly* Simple wish, really. All it would take is money; enough to buy the house or, ideally, have it built... enough to be able to support us all, although I suspect the boys would do part of that, as I know Caleb at least is happier if he has an actual job, and I suspect Radu and Kadin would prefer at least a part-time something as well... enough to pay for the legal proceedings needed to get Kadin and Torian into this country for good, here to stay as long as they want. If I ever win the lottery, I know how it'll be spent. *wry grin*

I just want my boys here. I'm tired of only seeing them occasionally online. I'm tired of missing them constantly. I'm tired of Caleb having to be the only one supporting us. I'm tired of spending most of each weekday alone. I'm tired of worrying about them, never being able to be sure they're ok, never being able to do anything about it if they're not. I want them to come home.

Ehh. Maybe I want too much. I can't stop wanting, though. I care about them too much to NOT want them here with me. *shrugs, sighing* Can't help it.

Would be nice if I could, nights like this. I hate feeling like part of myself is missing, just because people that in some cases I've never even met, in others have only met rarely, aren't physically present. Hell, it would be nice if I even knew for sure they felt this way sometimes too; misery really does love company.

I'm going to wander off and be depressed in bed now, I think. Oh, and the entry before this contains the current list of all the Shadow Tarot cards I've completed, if anyone is interested.

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