Romatic!Jax, Lonely!Jax or possibly just Emo!Jax. Or something.
Previous - this entry written on January 27, 2006 at 4:45 am - Next
Y'know what really worries me? Two things... well, three if you count the fact that my 'net has been out for nearly three days. The other two:
How much I've been missing Inari and Nick lately. As in, seriously missing. And I can't quite bring myself to get ahold of them, because I know it's my own fault that I've fallen out of touch, not theirs, and I feel sheepish and a bit guilt.
The second thing, that's less about contact and more about dreaming, a strange silent dreamworld that I've been... trapped in, I guess you could say, for nearly a week. Then suddenly, I read an entry and it all just ends, peaceful, almost happy. I still don't know how the hell he does it; I've tried teaching the knack to others but it's not really something I know how to teach, or even am sure it CAN be taught. All I know is that a few paragraphs from him and I'm calm, content, no longer pacing the edges of the dreamworld looking for a way to make it stop.
Is it any wonder I still love him, when he can take something that is tormenting me and make it beautiful, make it more intense, make it go away? For a long, long time I thought of Alex as effectively my First. No matter who else I played with, no matter how intense the interaction with them, no matter how well I taught them, no one else measured up.
And then I met him.
Even when I can't say I own him, can't and wouldn't claim him because I know it would only hurt him... even then, I still think of him as my First. The one who always knows what to say, who understands, sometimes from nothing more than a few syllables, what I'm feeling or what I need. *wry grin* No wonder he got so stressed, when he had that mental picture to live up to. No wonder my boys have been jealous on occasion, frustrated too, knowing that as long as he was Mine they would never come first.
I miss him a lot, miss his voice, miss his touch, miss curling up in bed with him, miss teasing and taunting him, miss binding him... miss simply knowing he belonged to me.
Tonight I'm missing quite a few people; I've been offline long enough that I haven't gotten to really talk to anyone. Kadin, Nick, Nreshan, Radu, Ryan... I miss them all. But... it's almost comforting to miss them, in an odd way. It reminds me that at some point, I had them, could touch them, hold them, talk with them... that they are real. And in turn, gives me hope that eventually I will have them here again.
I've said it often enough, the dream and desire I've had for so long: I just want my boys here, ALL of them. Even if some of them I don't own I do love them, and miss them.
...yeah, sorry, rambling a bit. I'm going to try sleeping again now; still not entirely over the pneumonia and I feel like I've been run over by a train every time I'm up for more than a couple hours. *sigh*
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