For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails...
Previous - this entry written on January 28, 2006 at 9:16 am - Next

...maybe it should worry me that of all of them, he's the one I am most honest with. Of course, I try to be honest with all of them. Of course I do my best to be forthright, to tell the truth, to not hide things (at least not without good reason). But... see, I know myself. I know what I do, what I am. I've never denied that, never really hidden it unless I was Dealing With Authority, who tend not to like sadistic, masochistic, demented, shattered, twisted, vicious, drugged-up, spaced-out, sex-crazed femdommes. But yeah, I know me, well enough that I at least have the courtesy to warn people what they're getting into.

Usually, I leave it at that. Usually, if I'm in a relationship with someone, I care enough to at least try not to act on the worst of my impulses, to be reasonable rather than psychotic, to keep the relationship as stable as a frequently-kink-filled relationship can be. Usually.

Not with him. With him it's almost a question of over-explaining. Bragging, even. Telling him what I plan, how I feel about him. Sometimes I'm nice. Sometimes I'm even affectionate. And for that moment... yes, I mean it. I wouldn't say it if I didn't, not to him. I've been honest enough with everything else that even this, I find myself able to say.

Thing is, I am honest with EVERYTHING. I take pleasure in telling him exactly what I feel and what I'm doing, how badly I'm going to hurt him, that I'm going to fuck him up, to make sure that even if he survives this experience no other woman will satisfy him.

See, it's a thing. I... everyone since Alex, I've purposely twisted. Bent and broken and reshaped until there was a Jax-shaped hole in their heart. Some of them, it's faded to just friendship and the occasional fuck when we're both bored and in the same location... but even then, there's this look they get. The one where I can see myself in their eyes, not just my reflection but the bit of myself I left there when I was still With Them. It never goes away. I get to watch every other girl they get involved with... watch the girls fall short of what they expect, watch them choose girl after girl who could be a mental twin to me, listen to them telling me how each relationship is going, listen to them complain that their current girltoy is just lacking something, how they wish I could come and teach said girl a few things. Often, they think it's that their current girl just doesn't understand, that the problem is her, that she's not attentive enough or kinky enough or flat out good enough.

It's not. The problem is that she isn't me.

Yeah, this sounds like a total ego-trip. It's not something I talk about often, and anyone who thinks they're being mentioned is welcome to bitch me out or shrug it off as Jax being dramatic. Thing is, I've talked with their girls, too. More often than they know. A LOT more often than they know. Why?

Because even five, six years after-the-fact, the current girl they're dating will email me and ask for advice, saying all that the boy talks about is me, that they're constantly being compared to me, that they want to know what they're doing wrong.

This has happened a whopping five times so far. Which if you know my dating history, doesn't say as much as it could... but yeah. Five different girls, three different guys, what does that tell you?

And I don't talk about it. I don't brag about it or complain about it, I don't warn them about it, I... often I just try not to think about it. Just because I'm not still dating/sleeping with/serving/owning/whatevering them doesn't mean I don't still care about them. I'd rather not bring it up unless they do, I don't want to deal with it and I don't want to rub it in. The point is, it happens. Some less than others, of course... but from the day one of us walked away to the last breath they take, I'm in their head and in their heart and sure as hell in their sex drive.

And he's the only one I've made this clear to. The only one I'm doing it consciously and purposely to. The only one I am delighting in doing it to. He is the least important of my pets, the least valuable, the one who means the least, who should matter the least... but he's the only one I am completely honest with.

Something about that seriously disturbs me.

Funny, when nothing else he's come up with has; the things he's said, his mannerisms, his history, the way he treats most other women, none of it upsets me. All it does it give me better holds to shove him down. But this, this worries me. It makes me wonder what else I haven't talked about to my boys, what else I've said to him that I couldn't or haven't said to anyone else.

He doesn't deserve to be the one I... trust? That's a pretty good word for it, actually. I trust him. The rest of my boys... could leave. Have left. And though I might try somewhat to get them back and certainly would miss them I've proved via Kadin that yes, they can leave. And will leave.

This one... I guess it's just that I don't worry about such things with him. He is more completely mine, more thoroughly bound, than anyone else has ever been to me. I can tell him exactly what will happen and it doesn't matter because there's nothing he can do to escape it.

Comforting, that.

From what he's said, it comforts him too, to have one person in his life that will be utterly honest, that will treat him the way he knows he deserves to be treated, that won't let him take the upper hand. He's spent most of his life being a top, and wishing he was a bottom. Is it any wonder I feel quite certain that he's not going anywhere?

No, I'm not sure what set this off. I'm slightly tipsy and in pain and waiting for my meds to kick in so I can go to bed... which leaves me in a rambling state of mind. If you want more cheerful and silly stuff, go check out my livejournal. This is just me writing what's on my mind. I've been missing all my boys, past and present - and yes, I still count Torian in that, it's something of a genderless term at this point - and thinking about them quite a bit, and... well, everything else was even more bizarre and sappy. *wry grin*

Also, having "Bed Of Roses" playing didn't help.

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