Of Memories, Music, And Mice
Previous - this entry written on April 14, 2006 at 6:04 am - Next

No, I don't think I'll ever really stop reading your entries. I suspect that every now and then you wander through mine as well. Some bonds never quite shatter, no matter the distance, the time, or the crimes and mistakes.

And that's ok.

Besides, nights - mornings - whatevers - like this, I find the thought almost comforting. For a lot of years, you were The One Who Understood. I think part of my mind still sees you as that. So thinking that sometime, maybe today, maybe a week from now, whenever, you'll read this and know I'm thinking about you, and understand why I do, still, sometimes, and nod slightly, and for a moment think about me... that's all I really want. It makes me feel just that little bit more ok.

Too many years in a small coastal town knowing 99.9% of the people I spoke to would hate me, or disbelieve me, if I told them anything about myself or my life.

Too many years only having the rare few people to turn to.

Too many years spent crying alone.

So yeah. When I start getting depressed, at stupid hours of the night, mentally I'm doing what I used to do physically. Wander out under the stars. Walk past your place. Wonder if you were up; figure you weren't, lights off, late at night, all that. Remember that in the morning, I could call you up and talk, or in the afternoon I could sneak out and spend time just sitting around with you. Feel that I'm not really alone.

Thank you for that, by the way. Dunno if I ever really told you, but it meant a lot to a teen-age girl with a head full of magic and fantasy, a life full of religion and shitty, stupid people, and the unsettling emotions of a bisexual poly female in a town of straight, white-bread, christian old farts. Thank you for not being one of them. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being like me.

Oi. Yep, definitely time for vicodin and vodka. The cramps are getting bad and if this mood keeps up I'll be bawling before I get any sleep if I don't do something about it. *wry grin*

In other news, Winamp Radio is my friend lately - a new-age-ish station that's all soft melodic stuff, a station that plays nothing but old-time radio shows, and a crapload of techno stations FTW. Also I just got done feeding the baby mice. Only two of them would really eat, the other two were all 'fuck you, I'm sleepy, it's cold, bugger off'. Still. Mousy eatings of any sort are good. And I think they've been nibbling at the dry oats, so yay!

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