Not Even Awake Yet
Previous - this entry written on April 30, 2006 at 12:07 pm - Next

...crying. My throat hurts. Nose is running. I keep trying to catch my breath but it's not quite working. So many tears.

I love you. I do. I love you so much that right now I hate you for reminding me how far away you are, how helpless I am to keep you safe, that you aren't here and maybe you never will be, no matter what I say or ask or demand or do you're still there, too far to touch or hold or...

...or save...

...Radu called earlier, when I'd just woken up and was feeling like I was about to throw up and the only thing stopping me was eating pickles, he kept asking questions or poking me if I wasn't talking when all I wanted to do was slowly eat my pickles so I wouldn't puke. I snapped at him, and hung up, and now he's not answering his phone.

I came online; I've been hoping Caleb would get up, but he keeps falling right back asleep, so I came online to let him rest at least a bit before I go even more nuts than I already am. Saw Kadin's latest entry. I called him, he's ok, he's not... he didn't... but gods, it took reading it through twice to even convince myself to try calling, afraid of not getting an answer, not hearing him ever again, and...

...caleb is sleeping, radu won't answer his phone, kadin is drugged into sleep... he said, drowsily, that he's less afraid of being alone than he is of being here with me. Puppy's starting a new job. I... I just feel... useless. Like all I'm doing really is holding them back, either from moving forward or from going through with what they've both now talked about, quite a bit.

I'm seven weeks pregnant when I've been having a period every two weeks for the last two months. The people I have considered my reason for Dealing With This instead of giving up all seem determined to give up themselves... all but Caleb and honestly at this point I'm half-expecting him to join in, I mean why not, it's about the only way this could get worse, really. For the first time in my life I'm tempted to move home with my parents.


Because then at least I'll be the first one to go, and won't have to sit here wondering for hours, days, until I finally find out that they're gone.

I know he had good reasons for writing it, for getting it out in text rather than acting on it, and it's selfish to be angry. I can't help it, though.

I'm going to go get royally drunk. Yes, it's barely past noon. No, I don't fucking care. The rest of the world seems determined to piss me off, kill itself off, ignore me and each other, avoid me, hurt those I care about, and generally make everyones' lives as miserable as possible. I see no reason to be sober. None. Fuck it all.

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