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I feel like I don't exist.
Tried calling my folks. Six calls, one to the land line and one to the cell, at three different times today. No answer. Seriously, no idea what I'm going to do.
We're broke. Not the 'oh, it'll just be pasta and ramen until next paycheck' broke. This is the 'Jax just had major surgery that demanded payment in advance, as well as several older bills coming due, the costs for medication, and rent/utilities due'. This is 'broke enough that Jax is going to actually ask her parents for money... if she could get ahold of them'. This is 'jax is going to RUN OUT of anti-seizure medication and blood pressure medication'. This is the part where it's a question of which bills we won't pay, assuming we can pay any of them.
So yeah. My planned semi-absence while I tried to recover is looking like it might be kinda forced. Dunno how long we'll have 'net access.
Really, it's no wonder that Kadin doesn't really want to come back down, or that Puppy thinks coming here would be stupid. It's unsurprising that I lose things, people, that matter. I can't even keep to a budget, why the hell would I think I should be responsible for anyone else?
Unsurprising my body keeps trying to miscarry. Unsurprising things hurt so much right now. Unsurprising that I can't be there for anyone else when I can't even be here for myself. I'm sorry. I guess I'd thought that once the baby was really, finally gone it'd be easier to deal with the rest of this.
It's not. It's harder.
I don't even know if I should post this here. No, I take that back. I don't think I should post it anywhere... this weakness. Strike deep, this is perhaps the only chance you'll have, hunter. Oh, believe me, I can feel you. I've felt you stalking for months now. Try. I dare you. I beg you. At least then I'll be real, for that moment. That's all that matters, right? All that counts.
Just a moment.
Just a bit of fear. Just a few drops of blood.
Just a breath, taken deep, swift... and then I'm gone. That's all I've ever been.
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