Previous - this entry written on May 29, 2006 at 1:24 pm - Next

So here's where things start getting even more interesting.

Caleb will be talking to his boss in the next couple weeks about telecommuting from Oregon. He's got a couple of houses he's looking at, one 2bed 2bath, the other 3bed 2bath, I believe. Fireplace. Washer and dryer. Not in Portland, out in the country a bit. Far enough away from the city that it would feel like the middle of nowhere, close enough that less than an hour's drive would get us to a proper CITY.

...but I'm choking on a truth that I can't deny...

I still haven't managed to get ahold of my parents. No answer on the home phone, no answer on the cell, for two days now. I'm managing moments of cheerfulness. Whenever there's someone around, I can pretend to be... well, not ok exactly, but coping, y'know? I've always been fairly good at pulling on a mask for others.

I've been considering, seriously considering, ceasing this journal. Starting a new one, under a name I know no one would recognize as me. There are still enough people in my life that I don't want worrying or hurting that it might be best if they can't see my thoughts... and I know if I just stop writing it won't take more than a week before I'm doing something else instead, and that isn't a good plan, y'know?

...look at my face, hide behind your walls...

Puppy updated a little while ago. I remember... there was a time when Kadin wrote like that. Before him, Alex. Kim. Torian. It should comfort me that he can say such pretty things when I most want to hear them but all it's doing right now is terrifying me simply because I know it doesn't last. Even if I'm the one ending it... even if I'm the one who walks away... and so much worse if I'm not. But always, it ends.

...this is real, real pain...

One of the reasons it's hurting now is because I feel as if I betrayed Caleb, and myself, a few short days ago. A decision I have NEVER regretted, a choice I have always considered an honest and honerable one, I know I did the right thing. I don't doubt that.

I just wish I hadn't.

I feel empty. I feel like along with a bit of tissue and blood I ripped out the last bit of soul I could claim as my own. Is it any wonder I drink so deep of others, when I can? I've none of my own.

...we're all looking for something, something to be...

I can't even find the words for what I'm feeling right now. The tears are back - I can't seem to stop crying recently. It IS a weakness, it is something I used to be damn near unable to do and now? Drop of a fucking hat. If I'm going to feel this empty why shouldn't I finish the job? I know how to do it, I set up walls and triggers and shelters and masks before and I can do it again. Turn off the girl who loves and cares. Shut down the one who worries, stresses, needs, fears. Just... erase her.

A long, long time ago I erased a girl named Amber, and put a creature called Jax Raven in her place.

...I'll only fly away... I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is...

Maybe it's time for her to die too. Someone - something - new can be born. Something that works better than this broken scrap of a persona. It's easy enough to begin, the pathways within my mind are already set. All it takes is a conscious decision...

...and a name.

Don't you worry
they won't find my body
I want you to know I've found peace in another world...
Don't keep digging
I want you to leave
back away from the place where my ashes are buried...

All I need to begin is a name.

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