Part Two of something...
Previous - this entry written on June 10, 2006 at 9:30 am - Next
First part can be found here.
So yeah, Scott had one hell of an effect on my life, in a very good way. Up until I met him, boys and men... made me nervous, I guess you could say. My dad was never the touchy-feely sort of person, he gave the occasional hug but that was about it, and I was rather glad; most of my childhood was spent being pretty much terrified if any male but my dad even looked at me oddly.
I believe my first real experience with BDSM was when I was 10, though I could be off by a year in either direction, as my timesense is nonexistant. I'd already been put, rather forcefully, in situations where I ended up being the submissive one, and it was something of a shock to realize I could be the Domme. Phillip, the son of one of my mom's friends, was the first person I took pleasure in controlling or taunting in sexual circumstances. Mind you, there was no actual SEX, and the couple of times we came even close to it I freaked out and went to hide in a book.
Females, I never had a problem with on a sexual level. By 11 or 12 years I already knew that I liked playing with them as much as I liked playing with boys and then some. BDSM games started to become almost a habit by the time I was 15, and by the time I met Scott and actually Got Involved with him, I had already discovered how to consciously split myself, how to segregate my submissive urges from my dominent urges, how to deal (sorta) with trauma by sending the worst of it to the parts of me best able to deal with it. I'm still a bit amazed that he and I stayed together as long as we did; I'm even more amazed that I was the one that broke off, I spent most of the relationship afraid he'd wake up one day and realize I was fucking psycho and boot me out of his life. *wry grin*
Hmm. Thirsty. Going to find something to drink, I think I'll continue this later. Again.
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