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They are sweet at times, these moments between a day's movement and the stillness of sleep. For just a few minutes I can feel my body winding down, the sparks and cogwheels fading, nothing left but a near-dreaming state. It feels as if I could slip the confines of flesh, step out into a world far stranger than the one seen by human eyes, full of color and life. These are the moments when I treasure life the most and at the same time, the moments when it is hardest to resist the temptation of simply ceasing to breathe. I know there is a world beyond this body I am trapped in, I can feel it more clearly than I feel the plastic beneath my fingers, the roughness of the futon on which I am perched, the faint breeze of the AC, the sounds of the freeway... none of it seems real right now, only the world beyond truly exists to me in this moment.
And as always, the moment fades, drowsy sleep is already making my eyes heavy-lidded and my pulse slower. I know I'll sleep soon, perhaps to dream of what I can't touch in my waking hours. I have walked the worlds between the stars uncounted times, I have felt the touch of others' thoughts within my own dreams and whispering, shaped the dreams of others. I know this half-seen, half-felt world is more than just imagination, that it exists in some sense, somewhere. I know that someday I will find the body no longer holds me, and I will wander through that dreamworld until I am granted another form.
I know all of this, believe it all, and in these precious, brief moments, it gives me comfort. In turn, that comfort is what keeps me going, reminds me that there is more to the universe than harsh voices and bad air and the stupidity of the human race. There is another world, one every bit as real as the one our eyes are trained to see, and though waking, I may be captive within my own flesh...
...for a few moments, a few precious moments, I can see eternity, and it is wonderful.
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*smiles slightly* Of course, it could just be the drugs, gods know I've been on far too many for far too long. It could also be pre-seizure, which tends to leave me blissed-out, if somewhat absent-minded as well. Hell, it could just be an allergic reaction to something that blooms in the evenings for all I know. That doesn't stop me from enjoying it, or from peering into the shadowed half-dreams whenever I can, walking through the flicker and swirl of them, savoring each moment spent entranced by the beautiful, intense, delightful things I somehow see. I know on one level that this is just a fleeting dreamstate, that when I wake I will be wrapped in flesh, aware of my physical surroundings, that I will as always start to forget what I glimpsed the night before. On another level... I live for this, am only truly alive when I can feel myself slipping into the aether, dancing through the stars, a tiny priestess worshipping the Infinite.
Is it any wonder, really, that I am as willing as I am to pop a pill when I think there's some use in it? Imagine if there was some drug, some magic formula, that would allow you to see every great painting ever made, one after the other, once you took it... but while you were watching the art, your body would be motionless, numb. A lot of people would find that an unbearable trade. I am not one of them. Physical pleasure is a wonderful thing, as is physical pain. The sensations my body feels can be a source of great joy. I would trade it all away in a heartbeat if it meant I could be certain of walking this dreamland, and could still communicate with those I'd left behind, or bring them somehow into this 'verse.
There are too many people I care about and too many people who care about me for me to just exit, stage left; being down here with Caleb has helped my mental state considerably, as has the discovery of a couple of lovely drugs that are both very effective as drugs and very effective as pleasures (see previous rants about DXM). There are two people I refuse to leave this life without meeting in person for the first time, two people I refuse to leave without seeing and holding them again, and one person I fully intend to make sure is no longer wasting oxygen before I leave (see previous rants about my mother). *wry grin*
I know where I stand, I know what I want, I know what matters.
This in no way changes how I feel in the moments when I am between worlds... when I have the physical form's appreciation for what the dreamform experiences, and the dreamform's joy in sharing itself with the physical form. This is perfection in a way; internalized, but still so very real. Somehow, some way, I intend to share this state with those I care about. How could I not, when it is the thing that stirs my soul and drowns me in inspiration?
*shrug* At any rate, the moment is fading, and I need to sleep. Dream well, my loves... dream well.
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