Also, apparently there are no Utena episodes to be found online for teh leeching. Grr.
Previous - this entry written on June 25, 2006 at 3:21 am - Next
"Protect me from what I want," the song goes, and the world shatters.
The sad thing is that when everything goes black, even if you know what you feel, what you want, what you see, isn't how it Really Is, it doesn't matter. It's just gone, all of it, the whole world cascading in on itself until you can't believe in yourself for long enough to even draw another breath. You WANT to fail, want to somehow get it all over with, as if falling far enough will somehow just... end it. No more struggle. No more frustration. No more things making every moment too much to deal with.
Protect me from what I want... there's a fellow up in Oregon now that I consider a friend, even though we honestly didn't spend that much time together in any sense of the word. We talked, sure. Fucked. Hung out. I don't think I ever managed to say in words that would sound believable that I understood how he felt. He'll read this and maybe it'll click, maybe it won't, but that's kinda beside the point. I just... I do know. The hollow, the weird not-exactly-pain, the desire to shut your door and close out the rest of the world and never deal with it again. Ever.
I'm doing the same thing I have to fight against doing every year. Sometimes it's not so hard, some years I can just Get Through It, there's enough distraction and enough going well that it's just background ache. Some years it still surprises me I survived. The heat's only gotten truly horrid a couple times so far, but even on comparatively cool days I'm not coping well with it. Waking up is something I regret doing. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm restless, miserable, but unable to get myself to do anything. Too hot. Too tired. Too sore. Too depressed. Too dizzy or aching or grouchy or queasy or a hundred other things. I keep telling myself it'll be better, once we're back in Portland.
Truth is, I think the visit is just going to make it worse, when I come back down. I'll have a fresh reminder of what I'm missing.
Puppy and I have barely talked in the last couple weeks. He's been busy, running his tail off between work and WoW and his latest girl and his father. I've been sick and now have one less phone, not that I'm particularly good at answering it anyway. I can't really blame him for the lack of communication, or rather, I CAN blame him but it's not really his fault. *shrug* He could do better. I could do better. Whatever.
Haven't talked enough with Kadin either, or Torian for that matter. I've been curled up near the air conditioner, not even keeping the computer on half the time, it puts out too much heat. I can't sleep when Caleb does, he puts out a crapton of heat too and just curling up in the same bed frequently keeps me so hot I feel like I'm going to vomit just from the warmth. It's slowly but surely driving me crazy.
If I could, I'd spend the next few months drugged senseless... but then, that's how I've spent most of the last one, between dealing with the D&C, trying to keep my allergies from preventing things like breath and a heartbeat, and the (clearly not working) various things I've tried for anxiety and in hopes of getting sleep. At this point, the only things that have any real effect are things I don't want to be taking long-term or things I can't afford to take long-term. Currently, I'm slowly climbing back to full consciousness from a lovely round of either flu or food poisoning - all smart money is on the second but it's been pointed out that there IS a flu going around - and it's difficult to keep meds DOWN even when I can afford/stand the effects of them. I've been doing pretty damn good about not drinking up until the last day or so, when we discovered grape-flavored wine coolers and were meeting some folks at a bar; other than that I think I've had maybe a couple of shots' worth total in the last month.
I've discovered somewhat accidentally that if I take too many of the pills that are supposed to help keep my blood pressure from going through the roof (which kinda happens if you're on antihistamines and Assorted Other Substances during high-stress and high-heat) it makes me drowsy enough to sleep but as a) that's a stupid way to get sleep and b) it scared the CRAP out of me when I figured out what happened, I am carefully avoiding repeating it... I wish I wasn't so damn tempted though. I just want to be able to get sleep at reasonable hours and in reasonable amounts, dammit. Is that so much to ask?
So yeah, gripe bitch moan complain, it's not like this is really anything new, I know. Just venting, trying to rant it out of my system so I can keep going through Yet Another Day.
I am, incidentally, so bored it's not funny. Being unable to keep my mind on computer games makes curing boredom difficult. *twitch*
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