Under My Skin
Previous - this entry written on July 11, 2006 at 2:04 am - Next

*snickers quietly*

Now that's interesting. An old memory wandering past. I'd near-forgotten him; someone who claimed so much and yet did so little. Ehh, my own fault to have that much faith in someone. I think I've grown a touch more cynical over the years, even if the drama I write about in here doesn't make it seem so at times. Yes, I am still more trusting than I'd like and certainly more trusting than is healthy...

...but I have memories like him, to keep me always at least somewhat on my guard.

Funny that I'd bother checking my referral logs today. I only got them back a few weeks ago, and if I'd waited another 24 hours I might have missed the search that brought him to mind.

No, though. Snowtygrrr - yes, another search will bring anyone interested in that particular handle to this entry, among others - has wandered, however briefly, back into my thoughts. I know he'd have precious little interest for me as I am now, I suspect. Meh. Perhaps it all worked for the best, perhaps not. Taught me a thing or two about trusting others, though. *shrug*

I'm logging back into AIM, turning on a techno feed in winamp, sitting here in the dark waiting for the latest pawful of pills to take effect. No, not for pleasure; amatryptaline and advil and an antibiotic. Relief, sleep, healing.

'course, I could say the same thing were I taking vicodin, honestly. Relief and sleep at least.

Fish, I was looking back over my older entries earlier. I've been tempted to try to return to writing; I've never really managed to force it before but perhaps I never went about it right. *shrug* I want to finish up Aisha and Songbird and Jedite. I want to FIND my older stuff, rewrite it. I want - my god, do I ever even WRITE entries that don't contain that fucking phrase? I'm going to have to start, it's annoying me to see it so often so I suspect the rest of the world is even less amused by it. Stupid language.

At this point, about all I'm sure of is that my life still does turn in odd circles. The conversation with Caleb earlier, the appearance of Snowtygrrr in my searchlogs, the not-speaking-with-nreshan-more-or-less, the problems Puppy's having at such irritating times, it feels a little too familiar. It... meh. It makes me wonder when this particular cycle will go back to providing further UP moments instead of further DOWN moments.

The dentist still hasn't finished my root canals - two at once, either three or four appointments now, and he STILL HASN'T FINISHED. We're out of money, over $100 overdrawn so we could pay enough of today's bill to not be arrested for theft, and he wanted to see me again in a week. Never mind that the insurance, which covered Caleb's root canal just fine, is for some reason refusing to even acknowledge I EXIST, or that the dentist does... if the insurance would just fucking approve it instead of playing dead, we'd get something like $600 back. But will they? Apparently not for another 2-3 weeks, left to their own devices.

So. I'm supposed to be taking different antibiotics. I'm supposed to be back on darvocet. I'm supposed to be back on phenergan (anti-nausia) so I can not feel queasy every time I try taking ANYTHING. I'm not.

We move at the end of the month-ish.

I have NO WAY of getting this dental work finished before we leave as things stand, and precious little hope of finding a good dentist back in Portland - I consistantly have horrible luck with them, even with ones other people like.


He had closed his eyes, tired, so tired... and when he opened them again it was to see her falter mid-note and tremble... her eyes roll up... and her body tumble gracelessly to the floor. A moment later his arms were around her and he was shouting with rasping, unfamiliar tones to the listening microphones to send for a doctor, lifting her up and walking unsteadily to the door, kicking at it until it opened and refusing, as certainly as she had denied them the right to help him, to let her go alone into the hands of strangers. The two guards who were first to the door caught only a single look at his face before falling into step, one in front, one behind, leading him through the maze of corridors with the unconscious Songbird still held tight.

...the last paragraph in the piece I posted comparatively recently to Songbird. I... as I'm sure was fairly obvious when I started, I was writing the Boy as a distant, slightly-tweaked echo of my boys at the time. There are traces of Kadin and Nreshan all through him. This later bit though... I'm not sure. She's never changed, though.

I always know her. She... this story... was one of the first things my dreamwalking led to. I've listened to her singing, heard her story told, watched the two of them interact, over and over. Lately? Ehh. There have been other stories in my dreams for months, years, ones I don't want to tell or don't dare to write. I swear some days I am in awe of Lovecraft. Fucker managed to have nightmare visions and WRITE THEM DOWN. It's not fair.

But yeah. Songbird is one of the things dreaming has given me, Songbird and Sai and Jedai and Kim. Rereading old entries... I've been this way for quite a while, really. I can see where my tone has changed, where my voice-in-text, even just in the past year or two, has shifted. Strange feeling, this looking-back.

I think it's time to close this entry. Over half an hour, I've been writing, and really I have nothing else to say. Nothing in useful words, anyway; asoo satao epeta comes to mind abruptly though. The darkness, the shadows at the edge of vision, the nights spent bowed over a keyboard, my mind drifting as far away as wil or substance can send it... always. Forever. Eternal. Unchanging. This much I never grow past, never abandon, will never do otherwise. This, the rambling text and late-night wandering and the feel of dreams pouring through me, this is still what I am.

No matter where I look in the archives, no matter what cheer or humor colors an entry, always beneath it there is still the dreamer, Raven herself, and the memories of years ago... walking down a dimly-lit street still slick with the evening's rain, the starfilled sky clearing, the moon full, salt in the air and wind in my hair and... yeah. *wry grin* And perhaps the only company who I would still enrust with my unconscious soul, or talk to these days about such nights.

For a while -

- I ws totally going to stop typing, I was dammit, but yeah, more to say after all -

- for a while I talked about such things with Caleb, or Kadin, or Elru, or Rhett, or Torian, or most recently Puppy. Why him? Because lately his mind is furthest in the clouds I fly above, the only one who still tastes twisted, broken, fit to confide in because I know he... hurts. I think that particular odd trust is one I learned back on those late-night walks, honestly. The only person I trusted, the only person who interested me, the only person I could talk with, hurt. Ached, mind and heart both somehow wounded, her life as confined and stifling as mine, her frustration and rage and pain as strong. Something in my mind seems convinced that only someone who is hurting is to be trusted, and I think my experience with her was the first real visible effect of this belief.

It continues; I trust submissives far more than dominant folk, I trust those I have some hold on, those I've hurt in some way, far more than anyone I've not touched. I trust myself to fuck up royally, I trust everyone else to do so eventually too... but somehow, if I can and do hurt someone when they fuck up, it's as if it never happened. 's why, I think, I found it so easy to forgive Kadin... and why I find it surprisingly hard to forgive 'Nre, the last few times. Kadin, I've hurt. A LOT. Nreshan? Heh. I'm sure I've hurt him, likely more times than I realize, but he doesn't ever show it. It's like punching a wall.

Puppy... as long as I am actually in contact with him, I can hurt him. I can do to his head what very few people could ever do to mine, I can do it quickly and reliably...

...and he seems to trust me in turn, because I can hurt him, because I do hurt him. Lately, not so much - he's been quite busy, as have I, and he's been spectacularly good at not noticing or getting my messages, logging online only when he's tired... meh again. See, the thing is, the longer I go without hurting him, the harder it gets to remember that I trust him. Yeah, fucked up. Still on the list of 'things that won't be changing any time soon, kthx'. I don't trust LIFE, I'm not going to give up what one form of coping mechanism and gauge of trust I've managed to keep this long.

Wow, this entry is rambling and confused. 2:46 now. I think I'm gonna call it good.

"Travelling" by Orion Too - I'd like a copy of this song, if anyone can find it. *nudges Kadin*

In the woods and forest deep
over seas and oceans baby blue
are you

In the sand of deserts heart
in the streams of rivers crystal clear
you're here

Around the world I am travelling
I am travelling under your skin
Around the world I am travelling
I am travelling under your skin

In the snow and icesea wide
in the wind of islands in the sun
we run

In the clouds and starry sky
over hills and mountains sharp
from home we fly

Around the world I am travelling
I am travelling under your skin
Around the world I am travelling
I am travelling under your skin

I'll keep on running
I'll keep on running
I'll keep on running

Under my skin we run

*shakes herself and pads off into the shadows, cloaked in feline form, tail twitching, ears perked, stalking tonight's dream*

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